Here are some dangers of thinking/ reasons you shouldn’t really ever take my advice completely/ flaws in my logic: Serial Killer, No Killing. Stripper, No Stripping. Dope Head, No Doping. Drunk, No Drinking. Liar, No Lying. Ke$ha, No…just stop. If you’re horrible then absolutely don’t be yourself. All the rest of youse, carry on.
I woke up one day with heinous hair. It was a detonated bomb right there atop my head. Destruction, electric frizz sizzling, suddenly silver hairs that must have been coated in the ash of aftermath. Oh God, I swear I heard the faint groaning of victims. Relief efforts began. I washed and combed, plucked and… Continue reading Your Hallelujah Hat
Blogging. It’s quite the courtship isn’t it? We write and read in that getting-to-know-you kind of way. We hold back just a little, maybe not publishing our social security numbers or thoughts on yeast infection. At first we ask readers to settle for holding hands, a peck on the cheek, because we want to… Continue reading Why Blogging Is Like Dating & I’m The Crazy Girlfriend You Never Wanted
As a college student, I briefly nannied this horrible shit of a Kindergartener. I say “briefly” because when one’s head and heart tells them to address a 5-year-old as a “shit” (even internally), it becomes clear that career choices at some point were askew. Also his mother paid me like a blind beggar, insisting she was shoving silent… Continue reading It’s Yertle The Turtle Again, Isn’t It?
My dad tells this charming story about the time he found the Jeff Nelsons of America. The story became charming sometime around 1993 when I realized that in addition to going by Dad, Daddy, Daddio, (whiny voice) Duh-aaaaad, and The Tennessee Wooden Spoon Spanking Machine, my father also- for some reason or another- went by Jeff Nelson. As I… Continue reading I, meet Me.