Here are some dangers of thinking/ reasons you shouldn’t really ever take my advice completely/ flaws in my logic: Serial Killer, No Killing. Stripper, No Stripping. Dope Head, No Doping. Drunk, No Drinking. Liar, No Lying. Ke$ha, No…just stop. If you’re horrible then absolutely don’t be yourself. All the rest of youse, carry on.
I woke up one day with heinous hair. It was a detonated bomb right there atop my head. Destruction, electric frizz sizzling, suddenly silver hairs that must have been coated in the ash of aftermath. Oh God, I swear I heard the faint groaning of victims. Relief efforts began. I washed and combed, plucked and… Continue reading Your Hallelujah Hat
For no reason at all I was gifted the Next Big Thing Award, labeled a blogger/ author on the rise. It’s exactly the same as winning the Miss America title which is to say there are rules for such a prestigious win: I’m not supposed to make sex tapes, but I am supposed to tell my readers about… Continue reading Jesus Christ, Tidy Cats & The Technicolor Dream Plot
Blogging. It’s quite the courtship isn’t it? We write and read in that getting-to-know-you kind of way. We hold back just a little, maybe not publishing our social security numbers or thoughts on yeast infection. At first we ask readers to settle for holding hands, a peck on the cheek, because we want to… Continue reading Why Blogging Is Like Dating & I’m The Crazy Girlfriend You Never Wanted
As a college student, I briefly nannied this horrible shit of a Kindergartener. I say “briefly” because when one’s head and heart tells them to address a 5-year-old as a “shit” (even internally), it becomes clear that career choices at some point were askew. Also his mother paid me like a blind beggar, insisting she was shoving silent… Continue reading It’s Yertle The Turtle Again, Isn’t It?