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Writer, No Writing.

Here are some dangers of thinking/ reasons you shouldn’t really ever take my advice completely/ flaws in my logic: Serial Killer, No Killing. Stripper, No Stripping. Dope Head, No Doping. Drunk, No Drinking. Liar, No Lying. Ke$ha, No…just stop. If you’re horrible then absolutely don’t be yourself. All the rest of youse, carry on.

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Your Hallelujah Hat

I  woke up one day with heinous hair. It was a detonated bomb right there atop my head. Destruction, electric frizz sizzling, suddenly silver hairs that must have been coated in the ash of aftermath. Oh God, I swear I heard the faint groaning of victims. Relief efforts began. I washed and combed, plucked and… Continue reading Your Hallelujah Hat

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Why Blogging Is Like Dating & I’m The Crazy Girlfriend You Never Wanted

      Blogging. It’s quite the courtship isn’t it? We write and read in that getting-to-know-you kind of way. We hold back just a little, maybe not publishing our social security numbers or thoughts on yeast infection. At first we ask readers to settle for holding hands, a peck on the cheek, because we want to… Continue reading Why Blogging Is Like Dating & I’m The Crazy Girlfriend You Never Wanted

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It’s Yertle The Turtle Again, Isn’t It?

As a college student, I briefly nannied this horrible shit of a Kindergartener. I say “briefly” because when one’s head and heart tells them to address a 5-year-old as a “shit” (even internally), it becomes clear that career choices at some point were askew. Also his mother paid me like a blind beggar, insisting she was shoving silent… Continue reading It’s Yertle The Turtle Again, Isn’t It?

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I, meet Me.

My dad tells this charming story about the time he found the Jeff Nelsons of America. The story became charming sometime around 1993 when I realized that in addition to going by Dad, Daddy, Daddio, (whiny voice) Duh-aaaaad, and The Tennessee Wooden Spoon Spanking Machine, my father also- for some reason or another- went by Jeff Nelson. As I… Continue reading I, meet Me.