Uncategorized

Oh, The Places You’ll Go! : Straight to Hell Edition

     When people learn that my son was over 10 pounds at birth, they usually get this horrified and empathetic face about them. They speak consolatory words while inadvertently staring at my crotch. I never understood this because a push is a push.  A hole is a hole, and a head is a head. But… Continue reading Oh, The Places You’ll Go! : Straight to Hell Edition

Uncategorized

Right Turn To Sunnyside

When I tell people my favorite memory of childhood holidays is the carpeted ceiling of a ’89 Caravan they get all uncomfortable: Was she kidnapped? Raised by gypsy drug dealers? Sold into a life of forced blogging, writing skills exploited by a cold-hearted pimp? Oh, the adventure! But no. It was a lot simpler than… Continue reading Right Turn To Sunnyside

Uncategorized

All The Infants Who Independent…

… Throw a tantrum at meeeee.      My son wiggles free. I’m stuck clutching three pounds of stretched cotton balls and feeling ridiculous. I’ve wasted four bucks if I can’t just get the kid to dress up as a tampon. Not to mention that piece of “emergency”rope I cut from the garage door for a makeshift pull… Continue reading All The Infants Who Independent…

Uncategorized

And Minnie Mouse? She was a meth head.

The family sits all friendly enjoying a family friendly episode of The Fresh Beat Band about a bunch of friends who love each other like family. The boy jumps and sings off-key, but his impressive shoulder rolls and fist pumps distract from the sound. I make a simple observation. Simple Observation: “Oh. That’s weird. They replaced… Continue reading And Minnie Mouse? She was a meth head.

Uncategorized

I, meet Me.

My dad tells this charming story about the time he found the Jeff Nelsons of America. The story became charming sometime around 1993 when I realized that in addition to going by Dad, Daddy, Daddio, (whiny voice) Duh-aaaaad, and The Tennessee Wooden Spoon Spanking Machine, my father also- for some reason or another- went by Jeff Nelson. As I… Continue reading I, meet Me.