“A peacefulness follows any decision, even the wrong one,” said Rita Mae Brown. To which respond, “False. Unless peacefulness is a code word for snot rags, tires of belly fat, and Wrinkly Old Baggy Face Syndrome.” Oh, and here’s some explanation. A California woman recently sued the manufacturers of Olay Regenerist anti-aging products claiming the company boasted… Continue reading Common Sense: Interrupting My Freedom Since 1987
We had been dating for seven-ish months when I stared down the line of an at-home pregnancy test. I would have pissed my pants, but there I sat, jeans around my ankles, quivering bum set to toilet seat, bladder all emptied onto that tiny, plastic, life-changing stick. Before I could wrap my mind around the whole… Continue reading But first, PLAN Z!
My dad casually mentioned once how he purposefully threw a flaming red something-or-other into a load of whites when first living with my mother. By then he’d managed to own and run a bar, take care of his brother, and endure a few harsh seasons working for American Missile Systems in some particularly cruddy regions of… Continue reading Smart Is As Stupid Does
I can confidently say that I’ve left the insecurities of my youth behind. I can go to dinner with my much thinner friend and not want to sneak mayonnaise into her salad. I can flip through racks of pants at Target without mumbling profanities and curses at all the single-digit labels. It’s all maturity and chemically -balanced… Continue reading Always The Baby’s Maid, Never The Baby.
My dad tells this charming story about the time he found the Jeff Nelsons of America. The story became charming sometime around 1993 when I realized that in addition to going by Dad, Daddy, Daddio, (whiny voice) Duh-aaaaad, and The Tennessee Wooden Spoon Spanking Machine, my father also- for some reason or another- went by Jeff Nelson. As I… Continue reading I, meet Me.