Haute Mess

You could say style runs in the family. Our long line of beauty-conscious  blood runs deeper than a v-neck. My mother, the makeup maven of the bunch, is often accused of being airbrushed. She’s just that good with a blush brush, y’all. And I can’t tell you how many times my son and I are asked- nay, begged!- to pose for Sear’s catalogues. It’s almost getting uncomfortable.  So when it came time to determine a winning reader for the Linda Munequita banging bracelet giveaway, I turned to my kin to form an expert panel of judges. Tasked to choose one first-place fashionista to take home the prize, they evaluated the many descriptions of your ugly socks and mismatched track suits. In short, they are all so, so disappointed in you.

honeybadger    Oh, honey. Are you new here? In reality I just closed my eyes and let my chipped, scraggly nails do the picking. I was delighted and incredibly relieved to find most of you in the same tee-totally tacky boat with me.  From your business blazer on top/ party pants on the bottom personal-style-mullet fiasco to the many, many of you who spoke straight to my heart with your ode to sweatpants, I was more convinced than ever that you are my people. You are my saggy-crotched, stained-sleeved soul mates.

Technicolor girl leggings
A wizard with the eyeliner.
Walked out of the womb this sassy.

In all honesty, our brood puts lets emphasis on the socially acceptable styles and operates on the free-spirited ideals of “This was on sale, and, I don’t know, green pants just seemed fun at the time”. The kids will don anything from leftover ballet costumes to Mexican wrestling masks. You all know my fierce signature look consists of pants fading fabric in the butt and  Chinese-made rubber flip-flops (2-for-1 at your local Dollar General). The idea that there is an age-limit on wearing glittery graphic tank tops is ludicrous in this house. My sister is an exception, always so effortlessly chic and such. I’m still tracking down a list of well-dressed mailmen from the early ’80s to figure out exactly where she came from. Really what all of this boils down to is: You dress like sleepwalking, colorblind drug addicts. Welcome to the family.

   So, Sister Uncle Cousin, with just one piece of pretty jewelry to give out, I chose to pick at random to avoid awkward tension at the next family gathering. Just know that I love each of you crazy-clothed hoodlums pretty much, about the same. The winningest fashion fail is….

SAV from The Capital L

Her outfit suggests she’s a really interesting, multifaceted being…. or maybe she’s having a wicked intense identity crisis.

“Looked down and realized that my entire get-up screams contradiction. It’s 9 degrees outside and I’m in short sleeves. My makeup is perfect, but I haven’t even brushed my hair. My pants are baggy, but my blouse is slimming. I’ve got a frayed, homemade hemp bracelet on one wrist and a chic Kenneth Cole watch on the other. I’m rocking both cheap granny panties and a pricey lace bra. In short, my outfit is as split personality as I am.”

Well, girl. Here’s an inspirational bangle to add to your many, many looks!


A big thanks to Linda Munequita Meaningful Jewelry for sharing some style.

Until next time, keep it sassy and clash-y, folks.


55 thoughts on “Haute Mess

  1. OMG your “non-style” is so non that it wraps right back around and becomes trendy again. That “came out of the womb this sassy” look is ready for New York fashion week 🙂 🙂 love xoxo

  2. At least you stand out…it’s good to stand out, right?
    I have a sister who is truly Ms. Fashion Statement…never a nail or even an eye lash out of place. So anyway, being the good younger sister that I am (tee hee hee!), caught her when she had just gotten back from the tanning salon and posed with her for pics when I was in town….and you bet I posted them on FaceBook! Yes, I did! We actually looked alike underneath all her layers, amazing I told her!

    1. Hahahahahahahaha. Sister Sabotage. I like the way you think, lady. That’s the extra frustrating part about my sister. I’ve been at her house. She’ll come in from running and say she needs to get ready. FIVE MINUTES and she looks like a J.Crew magazine. I don’t even think there are layers with her. Just some genetic gifts that did NOT get passed down to me 🙂

  3. I wear alot of jeans. As a matter of fact, that’s all I own. Different shades, but they go with EVERYTHING! Dress ’em up, dress ’em down. So what ever I want to wear on top I know will go. It’s the shoes I stress over. Some of my jeans are different lengths, long, average, bell bottom long, straight leg. So the foot apparel becomes my nemesis. Needless to say I own a lot of shoes. It’s a mood thing too. Those hormones always have to have their say.

    1. Shoes make me sad. I always have to pass by the cute, sparkly racks of high heels to get to my section: Flat flat flats for the excessively tall girl. Jeans are a smart choice though! If I can work up the courage to face the button and zipper, I wear them instead of sweatpants!

  4. You rock that skirt! I think they are still in style!
    My mom always had her nails absolutely perfect and still does. Mine, not so much… I think the girly thing skipped a generation and went straight to my daughter!

      1. GAH! I received my prizey prize today, along with your awesome note, and it seriously made my entire week. Which, you know I’m not BSing that statement because it’s the weekEND, not like, Monday (or Sunday if you’re one of those crazies who counts Sunday as the first day of the week). THANK YOU!!! I’m in love with my newly dazzangled wrist. (That sounded dirtier than I meant it to.) 🙂

      2. Haha. A WHOLE week made? Awesome 🙂 Glad you liked the note. It was between that or a card with a sombrero-wearing dog saying ‘hola’. I still might send that one to you. Sneak attack greeting!

  5. I’ve been known to wear my pajamas under my raincoat for a hostess Twinkie run. (RIP Hostess.) Whereas, most people have a clothes shopping strategy, girls like us just look for pieces ala carte. It makes for a much more festive wardrobe!
    Fun post, Tori!!

  6. Is it a problem that I see no problem with any of these pictures? No? Great.

    I had a guy once ask me why my nails were purple when nothing else on my body was. I told him matching colors was SO yesterday. Or matching anything for that matter.

  7. Your choice of accessories is awesome! I’m very particular about matching though – it drives me nuts to see people wearing mismatched patterns.

    1. Ahhh, I would share your dream… if I wasn’t already a million feet tall. I feel so awkward towering above everyone in heels that I stick to flats, but I definitely stare at all those cute high heels when I’m out shopping. Get a little jealous!

      1. My daughter in law is 6 ft. She is taller than my son and still wears heels, I love her. Most of my family is millions of miles taller than me, all of my sisters are 5’10 and above, I got the short gene.

      2. My son things his wife is the hottest thing on ‘stilts’. When she puts on heels he just grins, puts his arm around her waist and struts through the mall with her!

        Well that is when he isn’t chasing their four year old. He also often says, sure hope Ryan takes after his mom.

      3. My husband is THRILLED that my son seems to be taking after my tallness. He’s 3 but the size of a 6 year old. At this rate, he’ll be taller than me in no time 🙂

    1. Right? I dropped my son off at school the other day and at least three of his classmates looked like they’d dressed themselves: rain boots, dad’s t-shirt down to their knees, crazy hats. If I went out in that stuff strangers would be keeping their distance and looking up the number for a psych. ward.

  8. I love how we can explain away fashion faux pas with the phrase “free-spirited.” The next time I’m caught in sweats and flip-flops at the grocery store, I’m totally pulling out the “free-spirited” card.

    1. I started noticing that random friends and family members (who’ve never met) started using the phrase “Tori-esque” around me. I’ve come to learn it’s like “free-spirited”, a nice spin on my awful, awful, weird, awful taste in clothes.

  9. The other day, I saw my super-cute Fluevog Mary Janes on the floor alongside my held-together-by-dirt Converse and thought, who would think the owners of these two shoes would ever hang out together, let alone be the SAME person? Here’s to multiple-personality dressing!

Ramble on, little rambler...

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