This Fat Joke Comes With Prizes!

Self Portait. Titled “Lady of The Couch”

I had just finished up an afternoon appetizer of dainty Twix bars and Snickers sandwiches when I learned that I’d been awarded the Next Big Thing Award. I chugged some Mountain Dew, popped the button on my shrinking jeans, and sighed something deep, deep, and guttural. I think it was relief. Then I laughed and laughed and realized I must have told someone in blogland about my ever-expanding girth as it correlates to my hijacking of the toddler’s Halloween booty. “Ha! Oh, I get it. Next BIG thing. Ha!,” I think as I scroll down the post waiting for the candid pant-splitting photo of my large hind. What I discovered there was much more horrifying. The most horrifyingest of all! I was so kindly granted an award for bloggers in the process of makin’ ’em books.

Not long ago, I may have let slip to Lisa Kramer of Woman Wielding Words and Andra Watkins of The Accidental Cootchie Mama that I had an idea. I suppose, in retrospect, my statements may have made it sound like I would then add words to this little old light bulb of mine. Then probably I would slap a cover and a title on that pile of words and it would most likely, in America anyways, be called a book. Perhaps I forgot to mention the part where I have lots of ideas and a dusty notebook and lack the gene for follow-through. Being awarded accolades as a blogger who will transition to books, then, seemed about as solid a notion as mixing pixie sticks with Reese’s cups and coffee. Which is to say, it’s so wrong it just might be right. So, without further ado, somebody hand me a trophy and the candy bowl and let’s get this acceptance speech started!

First up, I should name five more BIG Things, talented bloggers who are working towards the wordy goal of writing books.

Kathryn McCullough is a brave blogger, sparkling writer, and a friend. She shares progress of her passion-project, an eye-opening memoir, on her blog Reinventing The Event Horizon. While some of us have to make up characters, plots, and places to form an imaginary story, Kathryn’s true tale of her upbringing from the hurdles of bipolar disorder, social acceptance, and reconciling a childhood under the caring eye of a loving daddy who also worked with shady criminal enterprises will leave you awed and asking “Is this real life?!?”. The answer to that, of course, is “Holy shit. Yes. Yes it is”.

Jim Chaney at The Wordslinger entertains readers with witty and brutally honest reflections on the day-to-day life as a dude. From parenting to sports, his topic posts are relentlessly wonderful. I suppose that’s what happens when you’ve got serious writing chops to back up any subject (Seriously, the Doc McStuffins/ cartoon translation post made me question life and eternity!). I was thrilled to hear that he too is taking the plunge and penning a novel. If you like dudes, happiness, or life you’ll mosey on over and read what he has to say.

Mark Petruska of Mark My Words fame beat all of us to it! His novel No Time For Kings is already out and already awesome. After spending a year cry-laughing along to every post, I was über impressed to see that this most hilarious blogger can flat out WRITE. A. BOOK. I recommend his blog, his book, and his cooking tips to any and everyone and have the feeling that within a few years I’ll get the privilege of being an elite Fan Club member. It’ll be like saying you knew J.K. Rowling when she was just a grocery bagging girl with some wild ideas about wizards.

Ellie Ann Soderstrom is one talented little lady. Her blog has kept me thinking and laughing for a long, long time which is no small feat. Not the laughing bit. That comes all kinds of natural. But the thinking- oh all the thinking!- well for me, it takes a village or one hell of a clever author. She recently announced a publishing deal for her book Breaking Steele. If her blog work is any indication, this novel is going to blow our wee little minds.

Victoria Walters at Victoria-writes is a winner right out the gate with a name like that. I would like her to swap the British for a Southern twang, drop the Vic- and -a and come hang out with me, just two hickish Tori’s writin’ up a storm. This Victoria is a total gem and shares a whole lot of happy with daily blog posts. In true good-things-happen-to-good-people fashion, Ms. Walters is working on a stellar YA piece and represented by a real, live, fancy-pants literary agent! She is a special brand of sunny, and I can’t wait for her work to shine to the whole wide world.

I’m exhausted just thinking about competing with all of you talented folks in the death arena known as a Barnes & Noble bookshelf. I am supposed to, as a super promising author with a great book in the works, now share some juicy details of my literary masterpiece. After reading my own nominations, I need a minute. Let me change into some sweatpants and act like I’ve been actually turning this tiny idea of mine into a bona-fide book (What do you mean reading gossip mags doesn’t count as research?), and I’ll be bringing you the Next Big Thing interview with an author-y “author” up next.

Who is a writing star you’ve got your eye on?

Are you working towards swapping blog posts for book deals?

31 thoughts on “This Fat Joke Comes With Prizes!

  1. Good God–you Reeses-eater, you. Gimme soma that sugared stash. I’ve been broadening my butt, as well. Next Big Thing, my ass! No seriously, thanks for launching me into the big time–memoir mania, and such. Love ya, sweetie. Lookin’ for that book of yours!

  2. First, let me apologize again for outing you, but if it’s the kick in the pants you need to actually get writing . . . KICK!

    Second, love all your choices. Of course, all the talent out there makes me realize how hopeless my book writing/publishing dream might be, but I guess its really about the journey. If I can just say I read them when . . . that might make me feel like part of the glorious literati I yearn to join.

    Third, there is no way, given the fact that at my doctor’s appointment on Friday my weight was higher than ever in my life and she scared the sh%! out of me by saying something like, “If you’ve gotten this high, you’ll double in no time.” Doubling would make me roughly the equivalent of a Welsh pony. Now, while I’ve always wanted a pony, I’d prefer to be able to ride one without squashing it flat, but the reality is that I am already the NEXT BIG THING in terms of weight. You simply can’t compete. I’m hoping that, if I can focus more on writing, maybe that kind of bigness will eventually go away. Sigh.

    I wish I could swap a blog post for a book deal, but I think there are many, many talented writer’s who will beat me to the punch. For now, all I can do is dream, and write, and hope my words don’t suck.

    1. Girl, you couldn’t suck if you tried. You could train for marathon sucking and still never suck. You are the AntiSuck, dear. Did I mention you don’t suck?!?
      P.S. Also, THANK YOU for the ass kick. Kathy kicked my literary ass over the summer and between the two of you, I HAVE to write. The book might flop, but bygod I’m gonna write it :)

  3. I hope you are going to really follow through on this. That said, I was writing a book for eight years. And then my computer ate it. I hate that synonym. (EIGHT/ATE). But I am trying to rebuild. I think you really have something, but it is work. ANd it can suck the joy out of blogging if you aren’t careful — so tread lightly. ;-)

    1. When I first got the idea for a book I immediately felt overwhelmed and ready to never write again. Just the idea of writing a lot of words that make sense and getting someone to print those words seemed like too big a task. I think you are right. I’m gonna chill out and let things take their own course. Hopefully a book comes out of it. Maybe not. If nothing else it’ll be great writing practice!

      1. I found that when I was forcing myself to blog 3 days a week AND write my book AND be a mom AND be a wife AND be a friend, I was miserable.

        SO I stopped.

        I am so much happier writing one quality post a week.

        Much better for me.

        And I can work on my book in the back. On the down low. Without the pressure.

        But I do think you have a story in there, TL

      2. That is some AWESOME advice. I fell into the blog rut not long ago. I felt so much stress trying to force myself to crank out so many posts that I ended up just sitting there drooling, unable to formulate a whole sentence, and resenting this sweet little blog baby of mine. Going with the flow is the way it’s got to be!

  4. Aww. I am humbled that you would even mention J.K. Rowling and me in the same sentence! Thank you so much for the kind words and shout-out. And you might lack the follow-through gene, Tori, but you’ve got mad writing skillz of your own!

    1. The follow-through always gets me. It’s the same reason I can only play half of one song on a guitar, speak 10 words in Spanish, and cook lots of sauce for noodles I haven’t quite figured out how to boil. I’m working on it! Might take a decade, but little by little I’d like to start writing a book… and actually finish it!

  5. Writing a book? I’m stunned right outta my socks that anybody reads my crappy posts! (Seriously – I’m sitting here in bare feet.) Let me up my blog-writing skills a bit, like from “WTF is this crap?!?” to “What IS this crap?”, then maybe I’ll consider working towards a book deal. You’ll still be around in about 200 years, right? ;)

    1. Haha. I think the same about my posts :) I feel a little bit like the dumb toddler who thinks it’s super impressive to do a half-falling head stand, screaming “Hey. Hey guys. Look what I can do!”. More surprising is that all the grownups laugh at my sucky trick!

  6. Congrats, and if the KICK doesn’t work, I’m pretty sure I can rally your followers to beg or nag (your choice). And if THAT doesn’t work, I’m going for a pressure tactic: it’s spelled C-O-L-L-E-G-E. The sooner you get that book into the works and published, the sooner you’ll have college funds for the little fireman. Don’t “extinguish” his hopes of a higher education! (That was one last tactic spelled G-U-I-L-T). How’d I do?

  7. “The Lady of the Couch” is fine art, such great lighting … and it makes me hungry for Jalapeno Cheetos!
    Your words about me and my writing mean so much to me. It’s thrilling to be called a good writer by a good writer. THank you so much for your encouragement and your shout out! I can’t wait until your book is done. Let me know if there’s anything I can do for you!

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