All The Infants Who Independent…

… Throw a tantrum at meeeee.

     My son wiggles free. I’m stuck clutching three pounds of stretched cotton balls and feeling ridiculous. I’ve wasted four bucks if I can’t just get the kid to dress up as a tampon. Not to mention that piece of “emergency”rope I cut from the garage door for a makeshift pull string. I’m pretty sure that rope was important. “Ugh, just chill out!,” I holler at him. “What’s your problem?,” I add, baffled why the kid who just last Halloween happily donned a WHAM! outfit is suddenly all about decency and standards.

This is season with a nearly 3-year-old, I am learning. This year, so far from his gloriously oblivious Halloweens of yore, the small man has opinions, a very loud will, a distinct set of likes (cake, Mickey Mouse, truck, candy) and dislikes (WHAM! among other things). He can’t stop changing and I, well, I can’t get away with this:

A silly 2-year-old, I am learning, would wear girl leggings and some crotch-hugging glow-in-the-dark-shorts.  Juvenile! But a nearly 3-year-old, a dignified, potty-pissing, man of an almost-3-year-old, well, he should dress like a dude who rules free worlds, diagnoses rare diseases, starches the coordinating tie to his power suit. In short, the kid is maturing faster than I am even remotely capable.

I spent weeks researching hilarious costume concepts. It seemed like the right thing to do. It seemed like a brief window of opportunity to take my creativity out on the oblivious. The husband, after all, is super grouchy and resistant to dressing up like Mr. Clean or Justin Bieber. I don’t have a pet to wear hilarious pumpkin suits. And now the toddler has set boundaries. I could dress up, but I’m way too tall to be a tampon. I mean, a six-foot-tall tampon? Foolish. So now I am the lone weirdo in a house of severely appropriate folks, left with a slew of brilliantly dumb costume concepts and nary a person to pin them on.

Apparently the toddler is politically neutral, as he booed both Cheney Hunting outfit and plastic Obama mask. Apparently, too, he found little humor in Honey Boo Boo. This was especially upsetting as I felt confident that I could pull off the pageant mom look with just a bag on rhinestones.

Wasted Halloween Ha-Ha’s 

Kip Dynamite,

Annoying Orange,

a dog with mange,

Oompa Loompa,

Chair (I thought this gem up while napping),

Jersey Shore and/or a can of spray tan (in that order),

Homeschooled/ Smart Kid (complete with fuzzy kid leash for public outings),

Public Utilities Worker,

Ryan Seacrest (or any other woman with exceptionally white teeth),

Amish (Watched one too many episodes of Breaking Amish),

Garden Gnome,

The creepy guy behind “Gangnam Style”,

Simon Cowell (spray tan, chest hair, shirt with exactly one button),

A Christmas Story’s leg lamp,

Little Jesus (could not find tiny Birkenstocks).

     As I tried to fashion Chelsea Handler’s Chuy by wrapping my kid in large pillows I said again, “What. Is. Your. Problem?”. Call it growth. Call it instant maturity (Mix with packet of powder cheese and stir). Call it the ability of my newly independent kid to finally let a mama know when she’s too far out of whack. “Oh man. What is your problem?,” and this time I’m talking to my tampon-toddlered self.


47 thoughts on “All The Infants Who Independent…

  1. OMG, Tori, my FAVORITE line here is the one about your being way too tall to be a tampon. That is the funniest damn thing I’ve read since–well–the last funniest thing you’ve written. Now I know what I’m gonna be tomorrow. As you know, I’m not tall! LOL

    1. I’m addicted to it. I’m also starting to realize that I should’ve been shunned from my family about 3 million times. Funny thing is- of all the toddler tampon/ sexy Simon Cowell/ even Baby Jesus costume ideas- the Amish one felt the most wrong of all. I’d hate to mock them. I think their buggies are economically genius and you cannot beat their homemade jams 🙂

  2. What a fantastic idea and a great new take on the traditional Halloween outfit. Pumpkins are so eighties.. Disappointed that your husband wouldn’t do the right thing – now that would have been a photo opportunity and a half.

  3. How do you put out a burning tampon costume idea? Tamp on it. Bwaahaahaaahaa. Please give your little guy a BIG hug from me for poo-poo-ing the Honey Boo Boo number … er, Honey Poo Poo number? The popularity of that show makes me throw a tantrum!

    Great post, awesome mom! Happy Halloween!

    1. Hahahahahaha… and hahahahahaha! I do enjoy a good ‘ol tampon joke. Hilarious! The Boo Boo idea was overkill. I admit that. The boy was NOT cool with a hairsprayed curly blonde wig, I couldn’t find enough pink taffeta & rhinestones, and my son wouldn’t stop speaking intelligible English. It just wasn’t meant to be 🙂

  4. That is the cutest outfit I’ve ever seen.
    Enjoy it while you can. Soon you won’t be able to don them with anything you desire. They’ll want to be everything under the sun and when they’ve finally narrowed it down, a week before Halloween, they will change their minds again! Trust me. I know!

    1. I fear that fun time of dressing him up is gone. He’s now wanting to be a pumpkin, Spiderman, a lollipop, Mickey Mouse, a horse, and ( I’m not sure who/ what this is) Pete. That was just the list from the last ten minutes. We’ll see what he ends up being tomorrow!

  5. Don’t worry, love, he’s just feeling his first tastes of independence. It’ll be okay, he’ll quickly change back into your little boy. In 20 years, give or take. 😉
    And you are WAY too cute to pull of Honey BooBoo’s mom. Heck, you could have a TANK run over your face, and you’d still be cuter. Flatter, too! 😀

    1. Hahahahahahaha I love Honey Boo Boo’s mom. I think she’s just great. She knows exactly how ridiculous she is and just goes with it. Plus, when all these other girls are dieting so they can fit into various slutty costumes this year, the idea of gaining 40 pounds and STILL looking awesome in my costume was kind of appealing 🙂

      1. Hmm. Guess I was the resutlt of averaging. While there were a few years of equivocation, I always loved my mom. Then there was my dad. How long did it take for us to get along again? I’ll let you know! 😀 (Seriously, during my teens, I thought my dad was an idiot. During my early 20s, he seemed to be getting less dumb. In my late 20s, he was getting pretty smart. By my 30s, he was a friggin’ GENIUS. I’d love to say that hasn’t changed, but we went over a decade without talking at all. Things are starting to thaw, though – it’s hard when BOTH parties involved are more stubborn than the sum total of every donkey every born It’s a genetic thing…)

      2. Ahhh, genetics can come back to kick us in our hard-wired butts. I’ve been in those family conflicts before when the real problem is that we are made too much alike to ever compromise!

    1. It LOOKS boring but (as proof that I really did make 1/2 of him) he has a totally weird reason for wearing it. I’ll post pics tomorrow!
      P.S. Pace yourself. Don’t want you to run out of wine & Cheez Its before the weather clears up 🙂

    1. I don’t know. I’m all for humiliating my kid, but it’s not as fun doing it to myself. Plus I wouldn’t want to hog all the cotton balls in the great state of Tennessee. I’m planning on giong as Frumpy Housewife… mostly so I don’t have to change clothes 🙂

  6. So starts the time period when your child rejects “really clever, somewhat obscure cultural reference” in favor of “obligatory licensed character du jour”. This era ends around 12 when he goes for “sullen preteen”. But that’s considered everyday wear.

    1. Haha. I know the news is all “RABID HURRICANE ASSAULTING ALL OF AMERICA” and all, but if you happen to catch a two-minute alert about a sudden cotton ball shortage in Tennessee, you’ll know what’s up.

  7. Ah, independence is a double-edged sword. While it’s great when they take care of themselves more, but then they develop opinions and ideas, which by design, are completely different than what we would want them to be. Maybe you can dress another tampon for Halloween – got any nieces or nephews young enough to go along with it?

  8. You should dress him as Beau Beau Honey instead! You could get him a wife-beater, to short jeans with hiking boots and a few fake,(preferably), tatoos! In five years you can send him back out as Joe Dirt. Think ahead dammit!

  9. Oh yeah and by the way,, There has already been a 6 foot plus tampom and they called him Dennis Rodman! Actually the more I think about it; mess with his hair and send him out as baby Donald Trump! He will definetly get youTubes and possibly a NBC spot on TV!

Ramble on, little rambler...

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