And Minnie Mouse? She was a meth head.

The family sits all friendly enjoying a family friendly episode of The Fresh Beat Band about a bunch of friends who love each other like family. The boy jumps and sings off-key, but his impressive shoulder rolls and fist pumps distract from the sound. I make a simple observation.

Simple Observation: “Oh. That’s weird. They replaced the first red-head girl with another red-head girl that’s supposed to be just pretending like nothing happened. Like ‘No. I am the same red-head girl you know and love…. just with wider hips and a semi-crooked nose and maybe also a different name and social security number and voice and..”

Tom shakes his head. I spot this as the tell-tale sign of him preparing to drop some knowledge. If a head shake could speak it would say “Ugh. No, silly. What you need to know is…”.

“Sex Tape Scandal. Definitely. The first red-head. For sure,” he says casually as he continues to bob his head a bit to the group’s funky track “Go Bananas!”.

“Oh. Oh my God. Oh, ” I am so stunned I do not notice him chuckling at my disgust. After Britney Spears went all barefoot/ Cheetos fingers/ crotchless shorts in her twenties, I don’t know what to expect from child stars anymore. I guess they can’t be 12 forever so…. sex tape?

I turn the TV off and shove a Sesame Street coloring book in front of the boy. Wholesome. Innocent.  There. But the husband’s little joke has ruined all things, and I am eyeing the coloring book page, a black and white cartoon of Big Bird and Oscar skating through the park, with much skepticism. Why are they in the park? Drug deal? Potty prostitution? WHAT IS THAT DIRTY BIRD UP TO?!?!? 

Meanwhile the boy still rambles through the words of one incredibly dope Nickelodeon hip-hop track. I pray for his childhood and worry for the day when he is heartbroken to discover the future Britney Spears of the world. Life lessons at their toughest. Son, I know you thought her only goal in life was to teach you letters, numbers, and the occasional scientific fact. But sister’s gotta pay that rent.

33 thoughts on “And Minnie Mouse? She was a meth head.

  1. Traumatic I know. I like to live in the fantasy that all those young starts leave shows for better opportunities. But too often I am faced with the ugly reality that child stars actually grow up and make really stupid mistakes.

  2. My coworker and I often note with resignation that if only we had made sex tapes in our early 20s, we wouldn’t be dealing with the jobs we’re dealing with now. We’d be rich and famous for no reason and probably better-looking. Sigh.

    1. Hahaha. I AM in my 20s and I would be pretty surprised if anyone bought a sex tape showing all this mess. It would pretty much just be me lying in bed, face spotted with acne cream, snoring like a bear at 8 o’clock on the dot. Hot, no?

    1. I think for now I’m happy to be completely oblivious. If I keep thinking that Minnie is just a mouse and Red Head No. 1 is NOT staring in some grungy video shot in a guy’s basement, then it isn’t true. Right? RIGHT?

  3. I remember when I figured out that The Monkees didn’t really live together in a beach house in California. It was devastating. Then I learned what turds some of them were in real life. The only thing that crushed me more was the whole Santa Clause debacle. Was nothing sacred?

  4. You’re making this much harder than it needs to be. Just use it as a multi-part lesson on civics, economics (as you already mentioned), and the interplay of various media. After all, there is that old Hollywood phrase “There is no such thing as bad publicity”. :D
    I’d be more worried about Sesame Street. Homeless people (Oscar), gays (Bert and Ernie), “furries” – those weird people who have sex wearing animal outfits (sorry, the Star Wars fans were doing that LONG before it was “something” – Ewoks and ookies need love, too!), and just all SORTS or perversion over there! ;)

  5. YOur only mistake, Tori? Handing the boy a coloring book when you could have handed him a straw-or better yet, popsicle stick. We miss you guys. Went to get a new straw at lunch, stuck it in the can. Sucked. Nothing would come out. Straw–broken. I said to Sara, “Can’t imagine how that could have happened.” Made me miss that sweet Thomas.

    1. Oh your poor straws!!! I bet not a one of them works anymore. We currently have about 30 straws in the bathtub. The boy decided they make superior water guns, but also learned the dangers of scuba diving with only a straw for air. We miss you ladies, too! Will have to have a Round Two soon!

  6. According to my pre teens Maraina got married and is busy about to pop out a baby… I told them that’s weird for such a young girl. They told me I looked online to research what happened and told them the married and baby bit. Did I? I don’t remember that and now I’m thinking maybe I did go online and learned she was a meth head and fed them the tidy marital bliss/baby package. I’m off to research AGAIN.

    1. I can’t handle the truth!!! I’m worried it’s true. It’s like finding out Santa Claus is a drunk perv. Ruins everything. I’m going to try to stay so far out of the loop for now!

    1. For now, I feel good letting the boy watch the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse… and VH1’s Top 20 Countdown. The last one mostly because I want to watch it and hope Rihana’s creepy videos don’t totally mess the boy up.

  7. Britney Spears went all barefoot/ Cheetos fingers/ crotchless shorts in her twenties….ya. Pretty sure she never made it up again from that did she??? My oldest was MADLY in love with her, thank god some other bimbo came along shortly after and took his attention elsewhere…

    That didn’t help anything did it? :)

    1. Hahaha. No. What I took from that comment was this wisdom: “There is always another hoochie ’round the bend”. Like that song on the cartoon Pocahontas movie… with more whores :)

  8. I’m still traumatized from hearing some of Bob Saget’s dirty stand up comedy, long after his wholesome “Full House” days. It sure wasn’t the Danny Tanner *I* remembered. Sniff!

Ramble on, little rambler...

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