Sweet Night Horrors

Doors are locked. Checked. Unlocked and locked.

She scans fierce eyes in a straight line from right to left then left to right. Perimeter clear, though the shadow of the neighbor’s night owl kitten beneath the street light seems ominous.

A figure sweeps down the lane not far from her. She thinks to call the police before realizing it is an 8-year-old on a not-so-threatening Spider Man bike.

Inside, the car keys are posed perfectly, red panic button flashing up and ready to blow.

Beside them there is a treasure trove of defense materials.

The jumbo can of Raid shines in the dim light of a beside lamp. It can blast wasps and other enemies from 20 feet away, blinding them with a chemical juice the supermarket equivalent of napalm.

She places the fully charged phone on the back of the toilet nearby before locking the bedroom door. She knows with the first rattle of door’s knob she can roll like a ribbon dancing gymnast out of bed and into the confines of a toilet room equipped with lock and cell service.

The spatula, while playfully polka-dotted in pattern, was added at the last-minute. It seemed  sturdy enough to handle panicked slapping.

A water gun in the dark could seem sufficiently threatening. She worried the orange and lime green toy might inadvertently squirt. The dinky trickle of water would surely make the weapon seem fake. She wonders, as she scribbles a fake note from a fake friend to a fake occupant of her real house, if she hadn’t made a monstrous mistake not letting the toddler have nunchucks. The letter is taped to the front door in the off-chance an intruder might approach to ring the bell:

Dear burly, violent-tempered, and incredibly alert friend,

     Would you mind not shooting that very large shotgun of yours off the deck? You know, kids and pets and whatnot.


Your childhood bestie and neighbor

                                                                  (who you’ve attacked on multiple occasions for absolutely no reason at all)

Doors are locked and re-locked, unlocked only to be locked some more… again.

She places a Beware Of Dog sign outside the sleeping boy’s nursery to ward off cats or other enemies. This is extra insurance as she worries his two-year-old brain might forget the Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu moves she’d coached during nightly story time.

The real dog is purposefully not fed a normal dose of canine anxiety pills. The bark collar is removed. And for this night the pet’s territorial, unstable dog brain is a valuable tool.

She flinches as she  runs a tender finger across her calf. The index finger bleeds. Perfect. Razor-sharp leg stubble, while much like sleeping on a cactus, shields her from imaginary attackers who most certainly…probably… won’t want to sleep with a cactus.

The sleek chrome head-gear, a metal colander still moist with dirty noodle water, covers the brain regions.

She gets up to lock the doors. Unlock and re-lock them. Kick them to test durability. Lock them some more… one more again. She returns to the bedroom to find a husband tidying up her intricate web of protection. “Hey, um. You left a spatula on your side of the bed? It smelled clean so I put it away”. Sabotage. She will have to guard this suburban fortress on her own.

She takes the bug killer and the leg hair to the couch where she will serve and protect through the night.

 Where she will write a midnight blog post.

She, the girl who finally watched one scary crime show too many.

Are you easily spooked?

On a totally unrelated (totally related) note, where might one find the creepy Dateline guy’s voice available for download?

 Also on the market for a rabid Rottweiler and a stun gun.

My dog is snoring and this Super Soaker isn’t cutting it.

20 thoughts on “Sweet Night Horrors

  1. THANK you for giving me justification of razor-sharp leg stubble! But GIRL, this is why I never ever watch horror flicks – quit ’em cold turkey in honor of sleep. :)

  2. MTM is going to steal the ‘razor-sharp leg stubble’ line and accuse me of cutting him in bed.

    I am easily startled. Almost anyone can sneak up on me and get me to shriek. But, I don’t think I’m easily spooked.

  3. I usually only feel that way when the hubby is not in the house. The polka-dot spatula was a genius addition to your defensive arsenal – bad guys fear the Cute Utensils of Death.

  4. OMG! I LOVE YOU! LOL This made my whole day and probably most of tomorrow too! You are an amazing writer! As an avid fan of horror films, I feel ya! They seem like a good idea when the sun is out and the lights are on, but once it’s time for bed, not so much.
    We have two dogs to guard our house, but if they’re given treats or attention they’d let Hannibal Lecter himself in the house.

    Stopping by from SITS, and SO SO glad I did!
    Nowhere to go But Crazy.

  5. So, Tom noticed the spatula, but not the fact that you were wearing a colander for a helmet? And if your cats can read Beware of Dog signs, you are in far, far more trouble than you think. heehee.

  6. A few months ago I went on a writing retreat to a secluded, wooded area. I could hear every twig snapping and every whistle of the wind through the trees. Needless to say I packed it in and came home a day early!

  7. Snort. Snicker. No, I don’t spook easily. I thought this was going to be about schizophrenia, not the horrors of the horror films!!! But once I realized it was all safe, it was good. Just make sure to rinse out the colander. I hear the noodle schmutz interferes with protection.

  8. I saw this movie a long time ago where this stalker guy hung this lady’s cat in the closet. I still hesitate when I open a closet door. I don’t watch horror movies. Ever.

  9. LOL. Zombies. They scare the living crap out of me, especially FAST zombies. Nothing scarier than that shit. I watch The Walking Dead and go to bed all breathless with my heart pounding, and not from the good stuff that gets you breathless and heart pounding.

  10. I do scare easily me husband and I do not watch scary movies because I have a vivid imagination. Plus the way I see it is if I can’t sleep because you wanted to see some scary movie then he’s not sleeping either! Ill have ever light in that house on and flashlights at the ready!(because they always cut the lights I’d rather see death coming than be blind to it!)

  11. I can’t watch any scary movies because I’ll be awake for months afterward! This post has got to be the best justification for letting the leg hairs go au naturel EVER. It’s the first line of defense!

  12. Love the scary movies. I’m usually only scared when I am alone at night. But, the one thing I will NEVER do is take a shower when I am alone in the house. The colander does not help in the shower and it’s hard to wash your hair around it. Lingering fears from watching Psycho – 20 years ago.

  13. Also, ghost shows. Not a good idea before bed. Or in the morning. Because as soon as it’s bedtime and dark, I start imagining things creeping around… and… *shivers then goes to cower in the corner, wishing for a spatula and super soaker, even though they probably wouldn’t do much good against a ghost*

Ramble on, little rambler...

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