Uncategorized

Giddy up… or just anywhere, really.

My last post was about breaking routines, deviating from the regular route, living wild and free (so long as you have a superbly generous babysitter). These time-as-open-as-a-field days were beautifully lazy. They mostly consisted of not doing the things I was supposed to.  I enjoyed them so much I took another and another and then 30.… Continue reading Giddy up… or just anywhere, really.

Uncategorized

The House of The Lord (Has A Fitness Room)

Sometimes I suction on very small spandex pants, wear a sporty watch, and pretend to be an athlete. Such days are typically followed by weeks of absolute stillness, but that’s hardly important. For 45 minutes on a glorious Sunday morning, I am a mileage-dominating beast whose sweat reeks of victory. I couldn’t tell you if it… Continue reading The House of The Lord (Has A Fitness Room)

Uncategorized

A Girl Named Dick

I pictured my future dog, Richard, toting around a messenger bag of fine leather and smoking an ivory pipe brought back from his world travels and driving a restored Beetle and quoting Yeats and probably also retiring from his tenured position as a Harvard professor because he cannot tolerate such imbecilic students. Or Richard would just lick his balls and play fetch and do that weird butt scooting across the carpet and maybe chew some dirty underpants. Oh, Richard.

Uncategorized

Rugrat Rager & The Half-Pint Heathens

One guy just straw-stabbed and shot-gunned an entire Capri Sun in ten seconds. Another dude is sloppy swallowing cupcakes way past his personal capacity. Someone tells him he’s had enough and he throws a fit like a total baby. There’s always that certain point past which each burp threatens to become barf. Some girl dances to… Continue reading Rugrat Rager & The Half-Pint Heathens

Uncategorized

it’s not so strange (if you’re weird when you think about it)

I am cleaning house as usual. Which is to say I am wearing fuzzy pants with green frogs hopping across them and twirling the mop around to match the beat of a song I’m making up and singing for the kitchen walls to hear.  You mosey up to me in your shark pajamas, tilt onto the… Continue reading it’s not so strange (if you’re weird when you think about it)

Uncategorized

Tiny Spark Series: Mercy Me. I’ll Mercy You.

I am so good at everything.  This is a confidence I developed over years of pristine dance performances, high-flying cheer leading jumps, A+ papers. I knew with no uncertainty that these feet could spin superbly. I had full faith that I could damn near kill a quarterback with my dazzling chants. And always, always, this… Continue reading Tiny Spark Series: Mercy Me. I’ll Mercy You.

Uncategorized

Piss Poor: A Guide To Potty Training

Along the way I stumbled upon an enticing promise of a flat belly, drank cabbage soup for three days, watched my pooch deflate, and then gained three pounds when I sniffed near an Arby’s. Enough is enough, Internets. These fast-fix tales are false. You whispered sweet nothings in my lazy ear for far too long. I threw down a plastic tarp, strapped on my rubber gloves, and set out to do the dirtywork. I mean bathroom business.

Uncategorized

Oh, The Places You’ll Go! : Straight to Hell Edition

     When people learn that my son was over 10 pounds at birth, they usually get this horrified and empathetic face about them. They speak consolatory words while inadvertently staring at my crotch. I never understood this because a push is a push.  A hole is a hole, and a head is a head. But… Continue reading Oh, The Places You’ll Go! : Straight to Hell Edition