The best thing my parents ever did was kick us out of the house. I get strange looks when I tell people that. I think they picture 5 barefoot innocents roaming and starving. They half-laugh uncomfortably in hopes that I’m kidding. Then that blatant pity stare washes over their faces. They want to pat my back sympathetically like … Continue reading »
It was explained to me that WordPress selects the best of the best blog posts and features these elite writers on the front page of glory known as Freshly Pressed. I got Freshly Pressed one Friday a hundred years ago. I was sweet back then and very unsuspecting, so the whole ordeal led to a genuine display of gracious surprise. My modest reaction … Continue reading »
He tells me it’s my birthday. I’m 26 today, he says. I pop an aspirin, rub a cranky ankle, and all I can think to add is “Hmm. Allegedly”. Continue reading »
EMERGENPSYCH emergenpsych (v): To accidentally instigate mass hysteria ex: Jane texts her boyfriend “OMG. Having a baby”. Realizes too late that part 2 of her message failed to send. Figures she’ll just tell her boyfriend on their next date that she meant to say “OMG. Having a baby aspirin. Pulled a Glute in Zumba class”. Wonders why boyfriend … Continue reading »
Over the course of an outing with a new friend, I learned she liked to swipe random items from unassuming storefronts. Our first and last afternoon together earned her a cheap pair of fake silver hoops and some lipstick. She never stole anything valued at over $4, but the notion of such debauchery snowballing quickly … Continue reading »
