Tagged with funny story

Common Sense: Interrupting My Freedom Since 1987

“A peacefulness follows any decision, even the wrong one,” said Rita Mae Brown. To which respond, “False. Unless peacefulness is a code word for snot rags, tires of belly fat, and Wrinkly Old Baggy Face Syndrome.” Oh, and here’s some explanation. A California woman recently sued the manufacturers of Olay Regenerist anti-aging products claiming the company boasted … Continue reading

But first, PLAN Z!

We had been dating for seven-ish months when I stared down the line of an at-home pregnancy test. I would have pissed my pants, but there I sat, jeans around my ankles, quivering bum set to toilet seat, bladder all emptied onto that tiny, plastic, life-changing stick. Before I could wrap my mind around the whole … Continue reading

Smart Is As Stupid Does

My dad casually mentioned once how he purposefully threw a flaming red something-or-other into a load of whites when first living with my mother. By then he’d managed to own and run a bar, take care of his brother, and endure a few harsh seasons working for American Missile Systems in some particularly cruddy regions of … Continue reading

Always The Baby’s Maid, Never The Baby.

I can confidently say that I’ve left the insecurities of my youth behind. I can go to dinner with my much thinner friend and not want to sneak mayonnaise into her salad. I can flip through racks of pants at Target without mumbling profanities and curses at all the single-digit labels. It’s all maturity and chemically -balanced … Continue reading

I, meet Me.

My dad tells this charming story about the time he found the Jeff Nelsons of America. The story became charming sometime around 1993 when I realized that in addition to going by Dad, Daddy, Daddio, (whiny voice) Duh-aaaaad, and The Tennessee Wooden Spoon Spanking Machine, my father also- for some reason or another- went by Jeff Nelson. As I … Continue reading