Dress Yo Nest, Sucka.

Years ago (yesterday) I was struck with this idea for a home decorating show. I would call it Dress Yo Nest, Sucka. I’d host the program in a wife beater tank, baggy pants to accentuate my puffy boxer shorts, several fake gold chains from the quarter toy machines outside the dollar store, a hanky twisted into threatening headware, and a face tattoo. That was the extent of my concept, and oddly all thoughts came to me around the minute-twenty-two-second mark of “Gangsta’s Paradise”. Brilliance comes in flashes, I suppose.

Anyways, my friend cruelly informed me that my original television series would never work on a count of interior design shows were successful in all but the Gang Members/ 12- 86-year-old demographic and I am a heinous wreck when it comes to crafting, style, design, and other such artistic ventures. Also, there is already a show called Dress Your Nest. I was horrified to learn of the copycat program which was basically my idea wrapped in khaki slacks and a turtleneck without gunshot sounds in the intro song. I conceded that the market for crafting shows for Street Killers would be tough to break into and maybe a title like Turf Wars would be more lucrative. But the bit about my disastrous design? I couldn’t believe it.

WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING?

  With dreams of being the next HGTV Design Star temporarily on hold, I’m taking my expertise to The Home Tome to share my obvious abundance of knowledge on all things DIY.

   Jocelyn, a crafty, home-repairin’, mushroom-lovin’ gal in Nyack, New York invited me to get her readers “learned” as part of her half-part funny/ half-part serious/ whole-parts helpful series for Home Improvement Month. I think we all plainly see why she turned to me for craft contributions. Now if I can only get my guest post to fire off gun shot sounds when folks leave a comment.

I hope you’ll stop by The Home Tomeand enjoy my take on tackling projects like a champ:

“Come Hell or High-Gloss Paint” 

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40 thoughts on “Dress Yo Nest, Sucka.

    • Sure! That makes me feel better. If we can count half-finished/ half-butchered projects then I am a crafting god! Plus, I hear “distressed” is a home decor trend these days. I feel safe saying that my house is 100% in distress.

  1. ha ha! Can’t wait to head over there, but I first had to thank you for displaying that beautiful piece of bananary, and more importantly, using my favorite word, heinous.

    • Are you horrified reading this or what?!? You seem so crafty that I was sure this post would wreck your world a little bit. Solid move on the wife beater purchase, although I keep wishing those things could be called wife huggers or at the very least husband whippers.

  2. The cut open banana adds a certain style to the arrangement. The selling point is that after a few days, it becomes a science experiment. (Pretty and educational – should appeal to the iron-clad stomached moms out there :))

  3. That banana bouquet is so amazing. Such a beautiful shade of yellow. How did you get the bananas to do that?

    • It’s pretty much a rule. On that note, I’ve written a letter to the producers of Sister Wives encouraging them to add glock echoes to their much-too-conservative show opening.

  4. First of all your “scratch whateva Banana ” thing looks like ALF from the old TV show. Second, I remember your first furniture purchase when you came home to Nashville, It was a “lounge”, long purplely thing that looked like the furniture in a little area of Paris (France not TN) called Pigalle! ( Another longer story before I met your mom). An area know for ill repute. I thought to my self as you were buying it:” ; where in the hell will that fit in an apartment?” But you were so intent on the purchase, (not unlike the Ford Focus u selected before college”) that I said I thought it was cool!

    Question, and I do not mean to offend, where is that monstrosity now?

    I pray that it is in some “Sucka’s Nest” waiting on parsdise or the Memphis PD to Bust on in! (Purple and Memphis seem to go together)

    By the grace of God, I have never had such fasion faux pas, except those I do not mention in public forum or those my children made me purchase,

    BTW I am sending you Lands End Turtlenecks and Khaki’s for Christmas!

    Love Poppi

    • Oh, that purple princess chair/couch/ sueded monstrosity! You are either a really good dad for supporting that first, heinous “big girl” purchase or a terrible dad for not explaining to me how tacky that thing was :) I’m sure it is happy ugly-ing up a corner of some college girl’s studio apartment now. I learned a great lesson from that hideous purple couch: That you can sell ANYTHING on Craigslist :)

  5. Hi Tori- just stopped by to say hello, I’ve missed your bright spirit around the blogosphere. Hope your absence is because of an abundance of fun in life and nothing bad.

  6. Hey! You know how Sears and all those guys provide appliances and stuff for DIY and HGTV shoes,(btw Holmes on Homes rules)? Perhaps you could get Kroger to provide you thier rotting fruit in exchange for a mention. Better yet enlist your local organic farmers to contribute and then I am sure you could get a big Government donation for the show. I mean they threw $500 million at a shell of a Solar energy company.But if you insist on more gunshots in the background maybe the Outdoor Channel will sign you up. Given your thoughts and ideas, I must apologize for not being more diligent in checking for lead paint in our houses.

    Love Dad, ( YNCTAM) you never cease to amaze me!

  7. Loved every minute of this. Banana bouquets are excellent. And handy. Because don’t you freakin’ always have some around? And nothing says love like the gift of rotting fruit.

    Wanted to read your super, secret post too — but couldn’t ever see it. Did you decide against it?

Ramble on, little rambler...

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