Duck, Duck, German Spot Seek & Hide Around The Musical Rosie Chairs

Most summer nights you could find me crouching in the upper branches of an overgrown Magnolia tree. It was always dark (typically night-ish!) and I was always confused and blankly staring at something like a leaf or air or maybe even some bark (typically… just, typical). An hour or so would pass and I would inevitably begin whining something like “Yuh‘allllll. Guys? Y’all guys? Hey? Hey y’all guyyyyysssss? I have to peeeee. Y’alllll. Peee. Guyssss?”. Eventually some of the neighbor boys would wander my way (led by my sweet, Tennessee siren song, no doubt). They always looked as peeved as I was confused. This was a lot. As we trekked past hay bails and through itchy field the sweaty bunch of playfellows would remind me of my objective. “We’re playing Red Light/ Green Light, dummy. We’re still in the Cassman’s yard right where we started….you’d be too if you hadn’t a run off like a weirdo.” My consistent mixing up of games both shocked and shamed me. Someone announced Tag and I would stand stark still in the middle of the open field, shoulders shrugging and mouth all stupid and agape. After a while I’d get real worried that I wasn’t playing right and feel such a blissful relief when one of those boys would come running from out of nowhere to my rescue. So stoked, I was, that this kind player thought to stop by and tell me what the hell I was supposed to be doing. Really grateful, I was, until the solo son ran past me, stopping only long enough to punch my arm and holler “You’re IT!”.  Shit. I knew this was no game of Quiet Mouse. For Hide & Seek I often got confused and tried to slap and tag competitors as they crept to alternative hiding spaces. I’d spring to my feet and give a celebratory clap that I’d managed to catch them all so easily. Their angry faces were shielded by shrubbery, but from all the juvenile whisper-screaming I pretty much got the hint: “No! Ugh, Gawwwd, Turd! We’re all hiding, Turd. You’re not even s’posed to be seeking, Turd. Ugh!”.  So apparently I wasn’t the winner, and the being the communal Turd was not as awesome as it sounds.

Hide & Wait, What Are We Doing?

On and on this debacle raged until we were close to teens and old enough to do respectable stuff (like mall loitering or running up phone bills or sneaking into R-rated flicks only to re-sneak into the Disney cartoon one door over because, despite wanting to look really mature, my virgin eyes couldn’t handle all the rose petals and topless Kevin Spacey and innocent blonde girl floating on the ceiling).

Not much as changed in this little life of mine. A naked Kevin Spacey still sounds like a nightmare,  I still answer to Turd, and I the only thing I know at any given moment is that I have no clue what’s going on. Last week when the injured tennizzle from I Can’t High Five (that counts as a disability, right?) and the soon-to-wed Amber from The Usual Bliss asked me to play, I immediately looked for a tree to get stuck and a neighbor boy to point this Turd in the right direction. The best I could do was read and re-read their posts (one a friendly game of Blog Tag, the other a flattering Sunshine Blogger Award) and remind myself that no one, no one, was asking me to ruin everything. True to form, I forgot the rules while reading the rules and settled with winging it. This, friends, is the blog post equivalent to me begging for a pee break from high atop a that tree.

First I must answer eleven questions. I think this is accurate, although playing Duck,Duck, Goose with my empty dining room chairs feels like it could also be a right choice.

  • What’s one city in the world that you’ve always wanted to visit and why? Detroit. I don’t know. I just watched 8 Mile and I’d like to know what goes into making an Eminem. Also, Detroit boasts cars and metal and cars and short tempers and cars and other such attractions.
  • What is your biggest fear? Devil wings, otherwise known as birds. I once returned home to find a deathly beast flapping all willy nilly across the ceiling. I immediately ordered my nine-months-pregnant sister to waddle over and kill it. I sat shaking and weeping on the front lawn. Armed with a broom and a forceful baby bump,  my sister emerged some minutes later to tell me that the monster was gone, and that most people call that monster a baby robin.
  • Have you ever seen a ghost? Yes! She was a frightful thing: icy pale with skeletal slits where plump eyeballs should sit. She reeked of lilac and the year 1827, and her decrepit joints popped like cheap plastic as she floated past. Perhaps most haunting was the ghost gal’s cackle, the booming and raspy laughter of an afterlife villain.  Her name was Joan Rivers and I spotted her having lunch in the city several years ago.  I hath seen the horror!
  • What is your guilty pleasure? Dance parties by myself… just me, my funk, and I. Festive song choices like “Hollaback Girl” make the whole broad-hipped-mama-doing-the-worm thing  a little less terrifying.
  • If you could have any animal in the world as a pet, what animal would it be? There is this one animal that eats whole doors without swallowing, sets things aflame with poots, enjoys  long runs around the Starbucks drive-thru, hates black children, and takes a daily dose of human anxiety medicine. She is my dog. So, to answer your question, I’d have to say any other animal.
  • Are you a dog or a cat person? Seriously. I just told you about my dog. I’m a cat person now.
  • If you could have one superpower, what would it be? I’d be able to turn water into wine. It wouldn’t save people so much as save me a trip to the store. What’s that? He turned water into wine and saved people? Jesus one up’s again.
  • What’s your favourite song of all time? “Gangsta’s Paradise” by Coolio. It makes me want to cry, break the law, and dance all at the same time.
  • When you were young, what did you plan to be when you grew up? I always wanted to be a mediocre blogger with unfortunately dark body hair and a bit of a lazy eye. Or a writer. This fueled most of the childhood rumors that I was a moustached middle-aged, pipe-smoking dude with a drinking problem. Even from a young age I liked words and didn’t mind being poor. Somethings are just meant to be.
  • Chips and salad or roast potatoes and vegetables? I hope that was a typo. That whole sentence. I hope it is false. The best answer I can give you is “Bacon-wrapped anything or cake“.
  • If you won a million dollars, what would you do/buy first? In all reality I would buy a bunch of cake, get a “chocolate wasted” as Beyoncé so eloquently puts it, pass out on my couch in a frosted food coma, and wake to find all those other bags of money stolen by beloved family and friends. This is pretty much also known as Average Tuesday except those bags of cash sound a lot more like pennies.

Now, according to rules I am most definitely not remembering correctly, I pick eleven bloggers and ask them to answer eleven more questions  while tackling the offense, capturing the flag, and thumb wrestling. The vicious cycle of making new friends and learning great things about one another and sharing and all that awful caring continues!

Tag’N’Seek’N’Post or Something!

Darla @ She’s A Maineiac

Jim @ The Wordslinger

Crib Keeper @ Grouchy Muffin

Jocelyn @ The Home Tome

Peg @ Peg-O-Leg’s Ramblings

MJ @ MJ Monaghan

Jules @ Go Guilty Pleasures!p>

Ellie Ann @ Ellie Ann

Lisa @ Woman Wielding Words

Patricia @ Critters & Crayons

Joy @ El Blog de Joy

Questions for those tagged or otherwise sunshined (?):

1. Life is all about making David Letterman happy. What’s your most entertaining Stupid Human Trick?

2. What’s your most traumatic experience?

3. What one word best describes you?

4. Cake or Cake? (Note: Trick Question!)

5. If you were a celebrity and thus legally obligated to name your offspring something horrendous, what would your little bundle of publicity’s name be?

6. Who would win in a girly pop/dance/hair flip battle, Bieber or Beyoncé?

7. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck?

8. If given the opportunity to get away with it, who or what would you like to punch?

9. Desperate times call for weird measures. What strange career would you try to make that money, honey?

10. What’s one thing you can’t live without?

11. The most important question of all of ever and everything: Big Spoon or Little? Spork?

I feel good. Really, I feel like I’m almost starting to get the game. It only took a couple decades wandering aimlessly around hay bails to get here. While you players play on. I’ve got a day planned teaching my boy, Brillo Pad Velociraptor, the greatest American pastime…. Red Rover Tackle Patty Cake.

 

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45 thoughts on “Duck, Duck, German Spot Seek & Hide Around The Musical Rosie Chairs

  1. I don’t fear birds, but I could absolutely live without them.

    There’s this tree. It hangs over most of my driveway. The only way to park in my driveway but not under the tree is to park almost all the way out to the street, and if I wanted to do that, I’d just park at the curb. Anyway, every morning. EVERY MORNING. I go out with a bottle of Windex and a rag and clean off the fresh bird poop before I drive to work.

    Birds. Meh.

  2. This is so funny I’m crying, tears are running down my face. Especially your paragraph about you’re meant to be a writer…and Jesus one upped you. haha!
    Thank you for tagging me. I’m SO good at hide and seek. You’ll never be able to find me behind the curtain.
    Also, I did not steal your bag of pennies. Just so you know where not to look.

    • Girl, you can keep the pennies. That’s what I normally pay for folks to comment on this blog. It comes out to around $3.42 so, technically, I’m one proud owner of the world’s first bloggy sweatshop :)

  3. So here’s the true test of character, the question that defines every person that ever sashayed anywhere: who would you rather be, the Beatles or the Rolling Stones? Long live blogging games!

    • I think my parents warned the neighbors before I was let loose to play with their kids. Everyone pretty much understood from the start that my name was Tori, my unibrow was not to be stared at, and I couldn’t tell my left from right, up from down, or Tag from Any Other Game Ever Played. They all just went with it!

  4. The bit about your dog made me chuckle. We had something close the opposite experience right after moving down here in 2008. Sai was aggressive toward all men . . . except black men, presumably because of Ba.D., to whom he took an instant shining. Eventually we got him back to liking all people, but I got a chuckle out of that over the months that was the status quo.

    Still love “Gangsta’s Paradise” myself, and suddenly wish I still had a recording of it. Time to find one!

    • See I’d be cool with a dog who hated men universally. That was the tricky part with Scout. She literally only hates African American children. Asian women, black men, white man wearing a ski mask and breaking in a window while toting a sawed-off shotgun? She’t totally cool with them. I feel the need to tell everybody how much I believe in equality when I’m out walking her. I’d hate them to think she learned that mess at home.

  5. Reading this reminded me why I listed you as one of my faves in the first place- I cry laughing! I was supposed to answer questions too, but couldn’t think of any, and wanted people to give me questions to answer… I got yours (save the cake, er, wine) and one other. So maybe I got out of that part, though your questions are good ones to steal…!

  6. Congrats on your honors, Tori. Well-deserved, oh shizzle from Tennizle! You remind me too much of a couple of my four sisters. We played a lot of outdoor games and they didn’t get it either.

    Thanks for making me “it” also.

    • So maybe it’s a girl thing? That makes me feel a little less ridiculous, so let’s go with that. I am gender-disabled, not built to perform Tag or Hide or Seek or any other activity that requires complex, mediocre, or sleep thought :)

  7. Okay ! As your father I read, and made up stories to tell you at bed time! However I remember you in the top of the big Magnoila tree when I got home late in the summer.But I must admit it was I who loved the old Disney Tune songs cassette that we played on Hunters Trail. That said, you have a remarkable way of telling your childhood memoires, a way that reminds me of my childhood, the great writers whom I have read, and most importantly, in a way that resonates with Southern children everywhere! In sales we say: ” You may be a Turd, But by God your my Turd”!

  8. I don’t know if I will be able to answer any of your questions with such flair. I was never very good at playing games either, but thanks for inviting me to join. I feel like I was finally picked to play with the cool kids.

    • What cool kids? Wait. Me? Oh, girl. I’m just dorky enough that I will take this, this one instance of being looped in with the “In” crowd and run with it. Next up? I’m going to try to get a yearbook superlative. Who says I can’t win Most Likely To Annoy Folks Via Blog a few years late?

  9. ha ha! solo dance parties, check. chocolate, check. and turning water into wine, check check. thanks for the tag – where’s the goal post? (this is from a figure skater who took up ice hockey in college and often aimed for the wrong net…) :)

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  11. Hi Tori — Congratulations on your award! And on being “tagged” (whatever that is). The thing about games is that there is always someone else who doesn’t understand the rules, so you could either figure it out together, or start your own game. But I’ve never heard of a player getting stuck up in a tree in the wrong yard! :) You make me laugh, with your funny outlook on life. And I promise, I’ll never call you a turd (can’t believe I just typed that).

  12. We always played Moonlight Starbright in our neighborhood, and everyone would hide in our, Lodwyck’s and Ramseys’ yards (but not old Mr. Wagner – what a grouch) under stairs and behind bushes and what-all. The person who was “it” had to walk around sing-songing “Moonlight starbright, hope to see a ghost tonight…” trying to find people in the inky-darkness. I was terrified when I was “it” – my heart pounding so hard I thought it would leap out of my chest. As I crept by a dark thicket of bushes, someone would jump out from behind them and try to run back to Lodwyck’s porch where it was safe before I tagged them. Not too difficult since I was chubby and slow, not to mention practically paralyzed with fear. I would be “it” half the night until someone took pity on me or the game was called on account of “it” had a heart attack.

    Thanks for bringing back these precious, childhood memories, Tori. What do I have to do?

  13. Hilarious, Tori. I’m with you when it comes to cake, as you know, and, thank God, you didn’t pick me to play–“cool kids” or not. I’m happy to be “unpopular” in this case. Now I can go back to bed.
    Hugs,
    Kathy

  14. I always wanted to be a mediocre blogger with unfortunately dark body hair and a bit of a lazy eye. Or a writer

    Gasp! Me too! And I also got stuck up in trees! And had no clue what game my brothers were playing or why they would never tell me and then leave me up there for hours crying!

    My kids begged me to play Red Light Green Light and Mother May I? last week in our backyard and I was stumped. I couldn’t for the life of me remember what the rules were or what the point was…I think I combined the two games and they ended up just giggling and falling to the ground so it was all good.

  15. Ha! Okay. These are some of the best answers I’ve ever read associated with one of these awards, and thank you for the shout out/award nomination/tag/insert appropriate sentiment here!

    The bit about your dog and turning water into wine and…okay, I could go on and on. It’s almost unfair how many hilarious nuggets you put into every post!

  16. Oh girl that comment about the N’sync dance party is right up my ally. Mix in some Hanson and maybe some BSB and you got yourself a dance party! (And I totally need an invite!)

    • Courtney,
      Welcome! I wish I liked birds. Technically they’ve never done anything to me… other than freak me out with their little veiny feet and black, soulless eyes. My mother loves birds and has a backyard equipped with gorgeous birdhouses and feeders to prove it. Needless to say, I stay in her front yard when I come over :)

  17. I would totally participate in an NSync dance party! Oh, Justin Timberlake, trying so hard to be boy-band cool… with your big hoop earring and bleach blond curls…

    By the way, the Gangsta’s Paradise reference was CLASSIC.

    • I JUST finished listening to Gangsta’s Paradise this morning. Then I robbed a gas station while doing the Running Man and blamed it all on my rough upbringing on the streets… errr, fields of Farmland, Tennessee. Music is a powerful thing.

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  19. I used to work for an architectural firm that was located in a renovated train depot.
    Well, the attic wasn’t very ‘renovated’.
    Nearly every other day I was on trap-a-bird-in-in-a-box / removal duty.
    Which isn’t nearly as glamorous as it sounds.
    But it makes for a very long and not terribly interesting story.
    Win AND win. :)

    • Literally, my worst nightmare. I would quit my job if bird-catching (or watching for that matter) was required. I think it’s there little, beady, souless eyes. I just know they are waiting to peck my heart out.

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  21. Oh Grasshopper, it was your right of passage as a Southerner to be forced out into the night and confront your fears! Whether they be birds flapping with beady eyes, squirrels half starved from an attic entrapment, they served the purpose of teaching you the fundementals of writing drama. Man vs Nature, Nature vs Nature, Man vs Man. The Greeks described drama, and the Romans turned it into a bloodfest!

    I digress, it is important to realize where your fears come from and address them, express them and share them. I find it very informative to read the responses to this blog. We all remember being “invited” to participate in the neighborhood “ritual” games. We were frightened, unaware, and confused! However this often the time we realize we are are in control of ourselves and cannot rely on our parents for advice. We have been invited into a club, (The Nieghborhood) to prove our mettle.

    Like learning to ride a bike, tie our shoes, or not freak out about the stuffed clown in the corner of our bedroom at night,,, it is a passage we all go through. Please make sure you challenge Thomas the Lion everyday to do the same. His life will be much more rewarding in the long run!

    Oh yea, keep on writing and sharing!

    The OJN (original Jeff Nelson)

Ramble on, little rambler...

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