I had a post all set and ready to go this morning. It was a riveting account of my new, Fall wardrobe. In summary it was to be titled “Turtleneck”. You might be surprised to know that it was about turtlenecks. Dutifully, I scoured the web for the very best deals on quality, neck-hugging attire, so that you too could cover excess chins and droopy neck flaps in luxurious cashmere blends. Then I accidentally clicked on a link to Da Ebonics Page. I’ve spent the last twenty minutes referring to my toddler as “sweet thang” and answering his beggy requests for juice with a rough-voiced “Sho’ nuff, homey”.
The website’s Ebonics Translator brought street cred straight to my little, cracker fingertips, and now a post on turtlenecks just seems whack. So, I changed from my favorite argyle sweater into something a little more gangsta (one of the Mister’s undershirts, known as a “wife beater” to us urban hipsters). I feel incredibly cold and on the verge of sickness, sporting a flimsy tank top around in frigid temps, but my education in Ebonics has taught me that to be “cold” is to be “sick” and to be “sick” is to be “dope” and to be “dope” is to be superbly fashionable and quite on target with recent trends. To warm my bare-armed self, I sipped hot tea from my favorite mug, remembering to remark after each gulp that I am “straight mean muggin’, fool”.
As I look for a bra with better nipple coverage and settle in to translate some of my favorite everyday sayings into street talk, check out da ebonics translator on Da Ebonics Page and leave a comment with your best before-and-after pimp-speak.
T-Dawg’s Guide Ta Jivin’ Like P Diddy All Ye Damn Hood Ratz
My mother is such a lady.
“Yo muh motha f*@kin motha iz such uh beotch , wOrd! “
Why, that’s not what I meant at all. Mother’s weeping now. Thanks for nothing.
A blessed Thanksgiving to your beautiful family.
“Yo uh hoppin’ gobble gobble ta yo’ fine family what ‘chew thinkin’ man?”
Um. Well. I suppose I am thinking that I don’t know who Chew is or his thoughts on the matter, but it seems like you’re being a bit flirtatious and inappropriate calling his wife fine and all.
I am a fan of turtlenecks.
“‘Chew trippin’ foo’.”
this turtleneck is dreamy.
But they keep your neck so toasty and sophisticated!
“Ya’ll is mad stupid.”
What are your thoughts on loafers, then?
“Yo loafers you know das right!”
Yes. I certainly do know that it is right.
Drop a penny fo dem penny loafers, dig?
Want to talk like a pimp? Translate and leave your new slang below!
Yo werd up Tori- hope you dont jive like dis here tomorrow.. what ‘chew trippin foo’
Chew tripped? That is just awful. Is he hurt?
Chuckling here and wishing I could give you a hip response like Tracy but am so glad to know what dope is…:)
Chris, we all know you are gangster. You don’t even have to prove it, home girl!
Yo ah be going ta da Frist Museum this day Don’ make me come ova there bitch…
Andra, PLEASE tell me you accidentally said this aloud while typing… INSIDE the Frist Center.
Sista, yo word thang here be stylin. Deze words be raw and downtown. I don’t have to look it up. Live in Miami and must know a dozen English dialects. Go me yard now.
Carl, you are in the wrong profession.
This might just confirm my suspicions that Carl in a Miami-based drug lord
Carl, I already thought this but your comment just proves it: You are a bad ass, sir.
brain be frozen, must be dozin, sleep what, lids dun drop on ya.
Mic Check 1, 2. Lou Mel-To-The-Lo in da hoooooouuuuuuusssssseeeee
Dis smack, yo.
Thank you? Or sorry? Wait. This pimp talk is confusing. I don’t even know when I should be insulted!
Wat yo smokin’, bro?
You don’t even want to know
Yo mama! Dis here bloggin thang be da bomb! Word up yo!
Haha. So hood, Cheryl. So. Hood.
Sorry…
about to pass out…
turtleneck…
slowly strangling me…
must get to my…
crew-neck…
aarrgghharrhhhll *gurgle*
What a fashionable way to go though, right?
You are so “dope”, or wait….” phat”. I’m so confused, where is that translator?
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FAT? What’s wrong with yo- Oh. I’ve just been notified that phat is a good thing. So what I meant to say was thank you?
Okay, this is hysterical, Tori, but I can’t even begin to pull off gangsta speak. However, I have plenty to say about sweaters, turtleneck, or otherwise–if that helps make me even remotely hip. Ah, yeah, I didn’t think so . . . .
Kathy
Kathy, I’ve had strangers gasp or laugh at my heinous sweaters. I take comfort in knowing that my neck is warm
Wow. You gots uh really tight blog all ye damn hood ratz…
My dad’s wallet is reading this post and weeping. English studies at a private university paid off!!!
Um … no. Not just no, HELL no! Knowing my luck, no matter how beneficent or humourous my response might aspire to be, all that would follow would be a torrent of obscenities. And I like you WAY too much to drop such a dissin’ on a fine-ass beyotch, YO!
)
(Oh God, I am so, SO sorry! Please forgive me!
Hahahahahaha! See John? You’re such a pimp you can’t even hide it!
First of all, love this line, “and now a post on turtlenecks just seems whack.” Now I’ll try your translator link: “Yo very nice post, tori! ah enjoyed yo’ sense o’ humor an don’t make me pull mah gat!” Um, I don’t even know what that means.
Sorry, no. You sound like a cross between Brer Rabbit and Mammy Yokum. But thanks for playing.
(slinking off all ashamed because I wouldn’t even DARE to try this. I’m just too, too middle-aged and white)
Gangsta knows no color and age ain’t nothing but a number. But you win points in my book for the Brer Rabbit bit
I don’t know what a gat is but it sounds downright terrifying! Haha!
I’m WAY too much of a dork to pull off a slang response, so I’ll just tell ‘ya normal: thanks for the chuckles!
Oh, Janna. Don’t be shy. I bet you are a closet gangsta, and you don’t even know it!
Tori this is hilarious, brilliant post. Ha ha ha
and using the translator this is what it becomes …..
Yo Tori dis here iz hilarious, brilliant post don’t make me shank ya!
But no one can rock a turtle neck like Steve Jobs
Steve Job’s turtleneck was no doubt smarter than my turtlenecks
Yo To diz post is the shiz. Word to yo mama!
Haha. Precisely. Word to my mother. You are so gangster!!!
Oh dear Lord, that turtleneck IS dreamy!!!!!!!!!!
Right? RIGHTTTT? I particularly love the turtleneck/ gheri curl combo. Makes my heart go pitter patter to the beat of “Dirty Pop”
Yo One o’ deez days you’ll post uh warnin` label ta let us know dat dere will be lady box jive don’t make me shank ya!
Hahahahaha. Even my vagina laughed, Mark. Oh, wait. I meant to say “WARNING: LADY BITS AHEAD: Even my vagina laughed, Mark.”
Turtlenecks, ebonics, and a vintage JT photo in one blog post?? Is this blog heaven?
You are my kind of girl, Dana. And this is blog heaven. Some hoity-toity angel just came in and kicked me out
You are hilarious! Here’s all I have to say:
Hahahaha. YES. Meant to send this to a friend and accidentally messaged this to a friend’s mother. I guess that’s what she gets for tryin’ to friend a playa on facebook?
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