Polygamy Is For Lovers (Lots & Lots of Lovers)

Kickin' It Old Testament In Sin City

Did you watch the season premier of Sister Wives?

No?

Oh, good. Two  things I like about you are your superior taste in television and righteous moral code preventing you from enjoying the carnage left in the wake of another reality TV train wreck.

Remind me to be more like you after this season of The Polygamy Party wraps.

Let's get this party started!!!

Because I am fascinated by all things deemed “socially wrong” and have a hard time turning down the bounty of jokes such programs offer, I grabbed a bowl of popcorn and a Bible (for research  purposes) and settled in for the hour-long ride. TLC’s hit show follows the boring-while-scandalous lives of a polygamous family. One husband. Four Wives. A crap ton of kids with daddy and multiple-mommy issues. The current season begins with the family’s abrupt move from Utah to Las Vegas. Prompted by the looming criminal charges filed against the unique clan for their, um, uniqueness, they packed up their van (and greyhound bus and eighteen-wheeler) and began anew in the City of Sin. To which I say, “Irony, I think I love you“.

The opening episode chronicles what I like to call Duhprise!, a series of serious family talks about alarming events that everyone else saw coming. The wives aren’t thrilled when a fellow wife announces a pregnancy? Duh. How’d you see that one playing out Wife Nueva?  The children are acting withdrawn because on top of having to explain their dad’s feathered haircut they are now subject to having their “uniqueness” broadcast to every man, woman, and classmate in the nation. Double Duh, and yet Wife #2 looks pretty astounded. To which I say, “All y’all wives, I’m astounded that you’re astounded”.

Midway through the show, one of the wives (the blonde one. No, not that blonde one. The other blonde one. Nope, wrong again. Oh, forget about it) began crying as she questioned how their lifestyle affected their children, their jobs, and every other nook and cranny of their world. I was prepared with my standard Duhprise! jab but stopped short of mocking the wed-happy clan this time. Perhaps I was mastering that ever elusive sensitivity thing. Maybe I felt the woman’s pain as a mom not sure of how to get the mom part right. Most likely it was the radiant glow of the husband’s feathered locks that entranced me. To which I say, “Sir, your hair is glorious. And disturbing. But- good God- it’s glorious”.

Ahhhhh. Do you hear the angels sing?

Whatever the reason, I spent next twenty-one minutes trying to justify the family’s odd arrangement. Surely we aren’t all that different. Some of the wives like sweaters. I like sweaters. They live in houses. I’ve only got one, but a roof’s a roof, right? Some of the kids think their parents are whack. My mom once greeted a group of my school friends at the door in her underpants. The more I thought about it, the more rational a polygamist lifestyle became.

PERKS OF GETTIN’ HITCHED…. And then doing it all over again…and again and again and again and again

1. No shortage of potential candidates: Should one wife leave or another mortgage payment just sounds cool, the polygamist husband has a proverbial buffet of willing and weird ladies ready to join the Wife Trifecta.  From the participating prisoners in Tennessee Women’s Penitentiary pen pal programs to the ill-dressed ladies not up to par to snag a rich date from the Millionaire Matchmaker, a good wife’s not all that hard to find. Also, I hear Kate Gosselin is on the market for a new village to raise her…village.

And she's already good at crying while sitting on a couch.

2. Stocked cupboards: No, I’m not talking about soup. As the lone woman in a house of boys, I am faced with a monthly shock of having run out of products for the hygiene of my lady bits. Big, brave men, being scared of the tiny, cotton tools, offer no help. They will not, under any circumstances, lay their brawny hands on a toxic box of tampons. If forced to run that cursed errand, the male population will act  insulted (even injured) because, you know, I begged for a period just to mess with you. With a bevy of sisterwifefriends, though? Biologically synced menstrual cycles will have you all singing the bloody tune around the same time. What are the odds all eight of us forgot to buy doots?

3. No Headache? Not a problem: A complaint of many uni-married couples is sexual interaction or- more precisely- the lack thereof. The average American bedroom on a Tuesday night sounds a lot like the site index for WebMD:  headache, tendonitis, rabies, headache, gallstones, swine flu. A lone wife is forced to walk that delicate balance between courteous intimacy and blatant lying to avoid the doing of the “it”. I, for one, know that the old strep-throat-&-demodectic-mange routine only works for about a week. But when your husband hops houses and swaps wives on a daily basis, suddenly Wife, The Sex Doctor need only be on-call every other month.

4. Everyone loves a little math humor: Traditional brides are somewhat restricted in boring, old choices for wedding invitations. While the standard boy-met-girl lingo is more widely accepted, I can’t help but think how much fun creating a wedding as The Newbie Wife could be. The possibilities are endless. From “We Thee Wed” to “Two Become One Fourteen”, you’d surely win in the category of uniqueness.

BORING!

5. Big money, honey(s): Should the polygamist tribe be blessed with straight teeth and feathered locks (check!), a foray into the entertainment industry is a lucrative venture. What starts as weepy interviews on a reality television show can bloom into big screen celebrity. Wives can man the cameras while the kids work as unpaid starlets in a remake of Children of The Corn. The Sisterhood of The Traveling Husband could play out on film with all the tears and female hormones of the more recognizable blockbuster hit about friends sharing jeans. The story line would be the same just with a less attractive male lead… and probably less pants… and definitely less traveling (unless you count a midnight move out-of-state to avoid court proceedings). Never mind. That’s an awful idea. I’d definitely take the denim.

Laugh. Cry. Share The Spouse.

As this week’s train pulled into the station, a polygamist people wrecked and bare to sickly curious onlookers, my list of pros for the television family seemed like a grain of sand at the foot of Cons Mountain. I clicked off the TV and gave my one man a high-five (a  passive warning against even thinking about introducing another lady into my house). I spun the little ring around my finger, repeating one thing as I drifted to sleep. Monogamy, I think I love you.

What are your thoughts on polygamy? monogamy? All the gamy’s in between?

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71 thoughts on “Polygamy Is For Lovers (Lots & Lots of Lovers)

  1. Okay, Tori, this post is sheer, comic genius! Period.

    (But isn’t polygamy kind of like–illegal? And why would you bother leaving the state to escape trouble, if you’re going to, in turn, showcase your illegal lifestyle before an entire nation?)

    Oh, I know. I bet they haven’t read your post!

    Kathy

  2. Well, I’ve always wanted a second wife, and my current wife seems to agree, ’cause she says it would be big-a-me. (Sound it out.) (Rimshot!) :D
    What would be worse than all 4 wives having … THAT TIME … at the same time? Spread it out! Each wife gets a week of pre, during-, and post-MS. Do that to every newlywed guy, and the Army will NEVER want for recruits! ;)
    I’ll stick with one wife, thank you. And I am VERY sure the wife would say that one of me is about 150% too much. But if it works for somebody, and they can get around the legalities, well, more masochism to them.

  3. Dear goodness, this is why I stick to Survivor and Amazing Race. Not sure I could cope with sister wives – unless they were having to eat weird stuff and nuance the rest of the tribe before being voted out. Whoa.. there’s a new reality show for the taking.

  4. I missed that episode! Well, I had to miss it, either that or admit to my mother-in-law that I actually watch it (and I wasn’t going to do that!)…

    There is something about train wreck television that makes you think, “DANG! My life is pretty good…t’ain’t it!”

  5. The only way I would watch this show is if I could snag a seat on the couch next to you. You’ve totally just made this abomination suddenly seem like a show that I want to watch. That’s talent!

  6. Bahahaa!!! I loved everything about this post. To the point where I now NEED to watch the show — with a for-research-purposes Bible by my side, of course. God I hope it’s on Hulu.

  7. Several of my co-workers dressed as the Sister Wives for Halloween last year. And they won a prize for best group costume. Throwing that out there as a suggestion since Halloween is right around the corner.

  8. Hilarious! “Duh-prise?” “Glorious hair?” You are super funny. Normally when I see a post about reality TV I click away. But the way you stepped back from the show to poke fun at it completely drew me in. Thanks for the laughs!

  9. “Duh-prise” is SO my new favorite word.
    There were several polygamist families who lived near the town where I grew up. There was one wife who always did the Walmart shopping. Lots of kids = lots of full carts. I felt bad; I would hate that job.

  10. I’m thrilled you mentioned his glorious hair. I’ve seen a little of the show and the only thing that astounded me was his feathered golden locks. yeah, sure, he’s got a crapload of wives…but what is UP with the hair?!

  11. Waaaaait…it’s a reality show? I don’t understand why people put themselves out there like that especially in this scenario.

    I’ll stick to Big Love. At least I know I’m not laughing at and questioning real people.

    • I think that’s part of my fascination with the show (plus, I am a pretty awful person). I can’t figure out why they asked for such attention or tried to promote their lifestyle to the world when they are clearly experiencing backlash from it.

    • Are you ready for more of the learning? TWAT (to be used in a sentence with DOOT) ie ” I need a doot for my twat”. That lesson is courtesy of my crazy aunts who make up words :)

  12. Hear you go, getting me hooked on another train-wreck of a reality show that I must not watch. MUST NOT WATCH! I must be stupid, because I can’t figure out how they’re not arrested – polygamy is illegal in Nevada too, and they’re kinda not hiding it, right?

    p.s. Have you tried a little vaseline on that demodectic mange?

  13. Tori, you are my kinda girl! TLC is one of my ultimate guilty pleasures and I hungrily viewed each epi of “Sister Wives” last season! Unfortunately, I totally forgot about the season opener this past Sunday. :( Thank goodness for OnDemand!
    Although I’ve jokingly blogged about a polygamist relationship involving my husband, Hugh Jackman, and Alexander Skarsgard, I can’t imagine being involved in a real one. I know myself well enough to realize that if I had sister wives I would become incredibly lazy! I would find a way for them to do all of the cooking, cleaning, childcare, and sexing whilst I sat on my ass and watched trash TV! :)
    PS- I think Cody is one of the biggest douches I’ve ever seen! :)

  14. A lot of guys think “oh yeah, multiple wives, lots of sex with different partners, sign me up!” I think of those synchronized periods and see one hell of a bloody awful week of PMS’ing happening. Dealing with one emotional wife is hard enough! I’m a-gonna have to pass on the whole polygamy thing.

    • Haha. It’s hardly that exciting! I’m sure the angel-haired dude on Sister Wives fully expected some rockin’ sex life where he had his pick from a bevy of beauties. Instead he got four mortgages, a bunch of angry kids and women who are remarkably talented at crying for long periods of time.

  15. Ok these women obviously have daddy isues. Why did no one teach them how to manage a relationship properly? 1: once you find husband you must get hooks in him. 2: you need to make sure your all he can handel. (Ladies this means a fine line between overwhelming him and making him feel like he’s special.) 3: make sure he knows he can’t afford another wife! 4: If all else fails make sure to catch him cheating (proof of the act is key!) And then take everything he’s got when you leave him. Remember Polygamy only works if you agree to alow him to be a dirt bag! Train him well and make sure your wide #1 that’s the only marriage that legally counts!

    • Britney, I think they have a WHOLE lot more than daddy issues. The whole setup is just creepy. There was a scene where one wife finds out that the other wife is pregnant. She is happy for the expecting couple so she leans over to hug and kiss her husband…. right next to the newly preggers spouse. Ickkkkkkkk.

    • That’s the other really weird part about it (maybe the 16th weirdest part?) they don’t really talk about how they afford to live. I know a couple of the women used to work, but all 4 stay at home now. I’m pretty sure the husband just teases and sprays his hair all day. It’s a mystery!

  16. You KNOW I want a sister wife! I thought the part about the withdrawn teenage sign finding an emotional connection with the other wife and how his mom was so happy about that was particularly touching. Of course! More adults for a child to relate to! Add it to my reasons I want a sister wife!

  17. This post is hilarious, Tori. I haven’t seen this show (nor do I plan to), so I enjoyed your report on it.

    I’m a fan of monogamy myself. I think my husband is too because he once told me that he didn’t understand polygamy because he could barely handle one wife. (I think he said ‘handle’ and not ‘tolerate’, but now I’m not so sure ;))

    P.S. love the tampon comic!

  18. Love it! So funny and smart :) I’m into anything mono … I don’t like to share. To each his/her own I guess, but moving to sin city just might find this tribe with a new silicone clad wifey.

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  20. This is so tragic, especially considering that China is now filled with billions of testosterone-infused young males who can’t find any women because they have all been killed off at birth. There’s just no justice in the world. Uh uh.

  21. A couple years ago I read “The Nineteenth Wife,” a historical fiction about the origins of Mormonism and the polygamy in the church. It was fascinating! I’ve only seen “Sister Wives” a couple times. It was interesting, but it also made me tired. In the end, tired won out. A friend of mine is watching “Big Love,” another show on polygamy, and LOVES it. Have you seen that one?

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