Yo’ Mama’s So Clever She Could Start A Blog.

I know how to do a back hand spring. I speak Spanish. I am an excellent yard mower. I can lick my nose, and (if push came to tongue sprain) my eye. I have all kinds of hidden talents. Turns out, when forced to unveil these gems to the begging crowds (read: without provocation, spew my freak show onto an unassuming public) people mostly regret having ever met me.

Anybody wanna see some cool party tricks?

My mother, though? Oh, the girl is a star, and she is just so shy about it. She is privately excellent in the field of Creative Cussing. She can simultaneously spank a child while whipping up a rack of lamb for supper, and she writes such bright words your eyes will squint. If the last bit caught you off guard then you must have missed her recent guest post. In which case, what’s wrong with you? Go read it with a swiftness.

That right there is like staring down the sun, no?

Over the years, I’d heard it said that my mother could write, that my knack for words is most certainly a watered down strand of her DNA. It was just chatter among aunts and grannies, though, and I learned to be content with the strikingly weird words she would say aloud. It wasn’t until a last-minute vacation that I caught a glimpse of all that wordy glory. Several hours on the road, a few hundred panic attacks at the realization that I’d all but abandoned my blog for a week, and one beggy phone call to my mother later, The Mimi put her brave pants on and prepared to show a few hundred readers the literary goods.

Of course, you read her post. I hope her words punched you in the gut, shook you awake, and flooded you with fresh air as they did me. My mother is a writer. My mother is a really good writer. But as mysterious as her talent seemed to me as a child, her immediate self-doubt after sharing such a winning piece baffled my grown brain more. A steady stream of texts and e-mails trickled in, each one evidence of a woman unsure.

Does it suck? How bad is it? What if they hate it?

I laughed in her ear. I giggled at the notion that anyone could manage to not love her.

Are you making fun of me? Oh, gawd dahmit. 

As celebratory comments greeted the mama’s post, I pointed to each and every response as proverbial Proof of Awesome. Energized, she teased of starting her own blog. Skeptical, she quickly dismissed the idea. And so it goes, up and down, ready and unwilling, my mother’s decision to write it out loud.

Naturally, I won’t accept no for an answer. I have put together an iron-clad, pro-blog argument with outlandish tactics for that ensuring that Operation Yo Mama Blogs is a success.

Argument: You write real nice, pretty girl!

Dude! You just Pageant-Mommed your mom! : Aggressive bullying is normally frowned upon, but it just seems like the right thing to do in this situation. Any good Stage Parent knows what’s important in getting a child to perform. 1) Disregard your child’s desires and basic needs and 2) Remember that “diva don’t come easy”. In an effort to force ambition upon my innocent mom, I will hound her with texts and voice mails threatening to renege my love should she opt out of the competition. I will promise candy, toys, and a maybe a hug should she smoke the other girls in the Blogging Beauties category. Just picture a three-year-old version of my mother being dangled by the wrist and shot with and icy cold gallon of golden tan. This is love, people.

This is your DREAM, Daisy. Stop cryin'.

Hey. Hey Mom. Hey mom. Hey. Hey mom. Mom. Mom.: Annoyance works wonders in producing results. Unfortunately for The Mimi, she practically handed me the Golden Ticket of Obnoxious by sharing a mostly dumb YouTube link. I plan to send this auto-timed e-mail seven times per hour until she gives up the ghost and gets to typing.

This video. Your inbox. Forever & Ever. Until you blog. 

Unfortunately for me, the chick thinks these Annoying Orange videos are downright hilarious.

Ransom, without Mel Gibson. Ew, or maybe with Mel Gibson?: My mother loves her kids. Problem is she loves her grandkids more. To save us both from that awkward call she’d surely place to Children’s Protective Services, I decided against the Duct taped baby scheme. Instead, I opted to faux endanger the life of some lifeless toys in hopes she’d blog for the sake of saving things. No, I’m not hollering for bags of cash.

 BLOG POSTS… OR BABY RED BIRD GETS IT. 

Oh Shat. Halp!

Alas, I’m not exactly the best at the art of persuasion. A few, mild-mannered words of encouragement are the best I’ve got. Red Bird’s free, that stupid orange is pretty funny, and the WOW! Wear will have to wait. I’ll simply say this:

                                            Mother, Mama, Mom, Mummy, Maja, Mimi, Mofo , I think the world would smile if you’d write a little.

What’s the best trick up your sleeve? How would you convince The Mimi to start her own blog? 

Most creative answer gets a guest post on my mom’s blog. You know, if she starts one.

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87 thoughts on “Yo’ Mama’s So Clever She Could Start A Blog.

  1. I would simply state the unvarnished truth. If Mimi blogs, the world will stop, marvel in her word-smithery, and realise that the world is truly a beautiful and wonderful place with such a talent shining forth to warm us all with her wit, wisdom, and whimsy. World peace will surely break out, if only to allow everyone on every continent to bask in the true Magnificence of Mimi.
    World peace is at stake. (Or whirled peas are at steak, if it’s dinner time.) If the human race is to survive to see the year 2012, Mimi MUST blog.
    (Sorry, my arms hurt form the shoveling. I’ll write more if you need, after a brief rest. :D )

      • For whatever limited value I may be, my lady, I am at your service. Your bidding will be my joyous command! ;)

  2. Assure your mom that her post does not suck – it is wonderful! She is a gifted writer, for sure! Yes, she should definitely blog. I support all of your tactics, plus I want Baby Red Bird to live – and I think it would be AWESOME if said bird was her WordPress Gravatar!

    The only trick I can suggest is making blogging easy but necessary for The Mimi by starting a private one for her with several embarrassing posts about her (every mom has a few stories they don’t want repeated beyond the family’s ears) and threatening to go public with the blog if she doesn’t take ownership by … I don’t know … the end of August.

  3. Oh my goodness, I love this. (And I loved your mom’s post, I just almost always read using my Google Reader on my phone and it’s so hard to comment on that thing!)

    Anyway, I’d call incessantly and nag. It works with my mom, anyway. ;)

    • Oh, the calling, the nagging. With 5 kids, I get that a lot. Although, come to think of it, it is usually me calling and / or nagging!

  4. Mimi, if you don’t blog you will disappoint the masses (translated as all the readers of Tori’s blog who fell in love with you through one simple post). Most bloggers have to crawl their way to the top, begging, screaming and performing acrobatic feats with language and images to get half as many readers as you would gain by making one simple announcement: Mimi has a blog!

  5. Tell her there is an eligible bachelor down here in Miami that does his own laundry and cooks that will follow her blog. Picture to left. I also have over $40 put away in the credit union.

  6. what else better does she have to do? Why not? She’s already got a steppin’ stone none of us had…there were many posts the crickets were my only blog friends. (they are quite friendly, by the way, those crickets) she has you marketing her and sending people her way before she even has the blog! (oh, and the crickets aren’t very happy about that)

    I know! Call her a “Scardy Cat!” or start with a dog-dare-ya, move on to double-dog-dare-ya and it that isn’t enough triple-dog-dare her! (Surely A Christmas Story can’t be wrong!)

    Sandi

    http://www.ahhsome.wordpress.com

    Lake Forest, CA USA
    Down 7lbs in 7 days- woot!

    • Sandi, do not pull out the triple-dog-dare, that is just rude! But I WAS scared to read that you may call me scaredy cat! I love Christmas Story!

  7. And, I spend countless hours trying to figure out how to get my Mom to NOT write anything whatsoever on my blog. Knowing I feel this way about her writing makes her want to do it even more.

    There you go. Reverse psychology. Tell her how horrified you will be, how irretrievably stunted her grandchildren will be if, for instance, she tells the whole story of how you were conceived on her blog. (Check for my Mom, only it was on MY BLOG.)

  8. Tears. Definitely tears. Since the nagging isn’t doing the trick, begging and tearful pleading (don’t forget the puppy-dog eyes.)

    If that doesn’t work, start a blog in her name and schedule some poorly written, boring posts. I’m thinking lots of typos and incoherent thoughts. Don’t forget to promote “Mimi’s” blog relentlessly on your blog. She won’t have any choice but to take over the reigns in order to avoid embarrassment.

  9. I think Carl and Andra’s ideas together would be solid gold. Also, just for that added kick in yo mama’s pants…tell her if she blogs she will get more precious time to spend with her beloved (more than her own kids!) grandkids! Those three offers should seal the deal. :)

  10. First of all, I’d start by telling her that my computer no longer allows me to leave comments on your posts (I assume because you pissed it off somewhere along the line) so I’m forced to hunt and peck this drivel on my smartphone. The fact that I am taking the 47 minutes it takes to write this, should be proof enough of my desire to see her own blog in lights.

    I thought about offering her a guest spot on my blog as well so she could start building an audience. Unfortunately, 6 readers and my two dogs does not an audience make.

    So my plea now is that I am desperate for attention and the possibility of guest posting on her blog would quench the thirst for popularity that continues to haunt me. Umm…awkward.

    START A BLOG!

    • My blog sucks. I mean, my blog messing your computer up sucks :( And with that I will add a giant THANK YOU for texting your comment in! That right there is dedication!

  11. I’m so glad we met in that Facebook blog group. Otherwise, I would’ve never known about your blog. I love it! I’ve enjoyed yesterday’s post and now today’s. “She is privately excellent in the field of Creative Cussing.” WHOA! Go mom! Thanks for this post!

    • Haha, thanks, Alan! Yeah, sorry to admit I have contributed to my kids’ bad language, but really?…I get a kick out of them expressing things. Should I go for an MBA in Creative CUssing?

      • I so badly want to dedicate an entire post to our out-of-the-box cuss words… but I think that would be just enough to get us kicked out of the family picture :(

      • There’s Mimi’s debut post! “My Family’s Favourite Cuss-Words”. Mimi can do most of the post, with Tori popping in on her particular faves. Then we can vote for the top 3 or 5 or whatever! This will GUARANTEE blogging greatness!

  12. My cousin can lick his eyebrow with his tongue. He was once on that Ripley’s Believe It Or Not show.

    Tell your mom she’ll have strangers sharing all sorts of deep stuff like this if she has a blog.

    • Vix, do you know that when you type really British words like ‘mum’ it totally makes my day? The best I hear around my neck of the woods is a bunch of “ain’t”s ‘y’all”s and “reckon”s :)

  13. “Blog post….or baby red bird gets it!” ” oh shat!” I literally laughed so hard I thought I would pee myself! That’s just to much. Maybe her fear is not knowing what to write about. Perhaps you should give her examples of how everday things can be turned into posts. Even memorise are great posts as you showed us yesterday and after having kids plus adoption, divorce and grand kids there’s gotta be a ton of stories she can tell!

    • Brit, the fear is not not-knowing what to write about, it is all the technological stuff, adding pics, links, etc. I am all about everyday things, and I really know it would be cathartic for me to do this…but must learn the fundamental how-tos.

    • That is the kicker. She HAS stories already. Story after story after story. We are going to have a Teach Mimi How To Use A Computer day soon, though to get her educated!

      • I need 2 hours with you, T, for lessons on adding pictures, etc. Then I am good to go, I have already several written!

  14. Time to be fearless Momma! Step out, shine and own your awesomeness! Our blogs are where we get to tell the good stuff, share stories, and teach. Even once we are gone and memories have faded our posts will be somewhere on the world wide web for eternity.

  15. I’ll have to go read her blog post after homeschooling is done (I’m on a very short break.) Great post by the way… love your sense of humor! I tried to get my mom to blog with me (she writes well), but she insists that if she blogs then she can’t enter the Pillsbury Bake-Off contest per some rule. Oh well.

  16. Stopping by from SITS. Your mom is so good, I am quitting blogging. Blogging is easy; being that good is a gift from God. Did she read her own damn post? This thing is going to happen…she just needs to come along with the program. Tell Mimi, not to waste my blogging jump off the bridge.

  17. Well first of all you have more comments on a post about about the simple possibility of Mimi blogging than I have garnished in total with two years of blogging on two blogs. With a public like that already waiting to read, it would just be plain mean not to start a blog. I am going with the shame card. My own mom taught me well!

    • I do respond to shame. All of you people reading? Be ready to answer pleas for help the first time I try to post a picture.

    • Seriously, the mere mention of my mom makes the stats spike. I might just take advantage of her popularity and title every post ” The Mimi: Thoughts on Tires” or “My Mom Would Read This Post”.

      • Well, I know you won’t try to “snow” us with an old “re-tread”. I’m sure you’ll “inflate” our knowledge with “balanced” information.
        (Okay, I’ll quit abusing Mimi now. Wouldn’t want to “rubber” the wrong way.)

  18. Visiting from SITS and cracking up at both posts. You and your mom are too hilarious. Tag-team blogging, perhaps? If nagging won’t do, there is always withholding phone calls from her grandkids. Then again, that just hurts them. Hmm…I’ll keep thinking about it!

      • Uuumm, no Jessica. Time with the boy is NOT negotiable. Not, no, never, nada, at all, ever, no no no. I would cease to breathe, and then how would I blog? I mean, without breath and life and such. I think you pretty much cant’ write if you can’t breathe or live?

  19. I say Mimi can start blogging on an earth-shaking topic – cover reactions to the Virginia earthquake, especially since they evacuated buildings here in Columbus!

  20. Try the “disappointed” approach. Remember when you did something bad and your parents weren’t mad… they were disappointed? That’s the worst! Just tell her if she doesn’t write her blog, it will disappoint you. She’s better than that. :)

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