I am currently typing from the Dead Dog position. Sister to yoga’s zenful Downward Dog, Dead Dog resembles, well, a dog in the final stages of rigor mortis. All paws extended in the air, the Man Child is zooming toy cars up and down my shins, I think. I can’t feel my legs through the throbbing. He takes a break from Mommy Autobahn to stare in wonder at the slap-n-jiggle effect that is my midsection. It’s the magic of Wave Country. It’s a California King water bed inviting tiny feet to jump and pummel ’til the sides split. I’m counting my blessings that my fingers mostly work after my experiment with The Performance That Couldn’t. With my pinky’s last jittery flex, I take this opportunity to warn you. ES NO BUENO. ES NO DANCE-DANCE-TASTIC!
Let it be known, written in memorial blog posts as you grieve spread the juicy gossip about my untimely death via Disney Channel, screen-printed on t-shirts as you gather ’round my porch for a candlelit vigil honoring the girl lost to idiotic delusions of her athleticism and flexibility:
Playtime killed the Parenting Star.
The second I read the title in my Subscriptions section, I knew the evil that was lurking in the post. That damn robot!
Oh, Jim. YOU KNOW! It’s so not dancetastic.
Disney Channel is one of the imminent Signs of the Apocalypse. It is a tool of the Devil to brainwash America’s youth into a zombie army, and as an intended side-effect will either kill all adults or turn us into mental Jello. You think the running gag of using Barney singing the “I Love You” song as torture is a joke? He was the test case!
Then again, I believe yoga was invented simply to be able to reach the remote when it falls under the couch. Easy way out? Get a bamboo backscratcher. It solves a multitude of problems!
Bamboo scratcher? Will do. Also looking into buying a discount body cast.
Can’t help you with the cast, but if you want, I can send you a few muscle relaxants and a pint of Everclear (196 proof). Find your favourite armchair, take a couple relaxants with the bottle (drink it all down! there’s a good girl!
), and you too can know the True Life of Half-set Jello. (You know, a lukewarm bowl of SHPLOCK.) Just make sure your schedule is clear for, oh, about 2-3 days. You should be all better by then! 
The DJ at my wedding called himself Sir Dancealot. He didn’t hop to the ribbit rhythm, but he did spin some mad platters, yo.
Haha…Ouch. Still can’t laugh through internal breakage and bleeding. I can’t hop to the ribbit rhythm either.
I was telling my kids that I could do a backbend, so of course they wanted to see. I bent back slowly, oh so slowly and carefully inching down, down with my hands out-stretched over my head, really showing marvelous muscle control.
A wee voice in my head was whispering “Yeah, you could do a backbend 30 friggin’ years ago!” right before that same whispering head got smacked against the wood floor that magically rushed up to meet it.
My kids really enjoyed this teaching moment.
I’ve had way too many of those moments. Far more than I care to admit! Something about The Froggy Hop sounded like a good idea. That was, until it wasn’t
I learned my lesson from the backbend debacle. The Froggy Hop sounds terrifying.
LMAO! It’s better than trying to dance it off.
This would be my idea of what I would have to watch and then execute at a POW camp.
Renee, dear, you just won the war on terrorism. Sending a letter to Obama immediately.
You will be missed.
Haha. Thanks! Is it tacky to go ahead and sell the RIP Fa Fa Girl shirts BEFORE I actually kick the bucket?
They can rebuild you. They have the technology! Hopefully you can pic your own color scheme though!
Lord, I hope so! Everything seems to have healed today…except for my wierd arms that won’t unbend.
OMY Lord! My son used to do the exact same thing with his lil cars–always in search for a new highway. I’m so glad I know the name of the position I take in front of my Wii! Def. a dead dog.
Haha. I plan on using Dead Dog more often. The Mister felt so bad about my condition that he cleaned up from dinner and gave the boy a bath.
If you close your eyes and imagine, could the car be like a massage on your shins? These are things that get me through the day…
Haha. I will try that next time. Maybe Man Child’s toddler tantrums can be the babbling brook sound from those Ikea noise machines! I’m going to write a Zen Mama post
ES NO DANCE-DANCE-TASTIC!
I seriously need a reason to say this, pronto!
Deborah, YOU CAN TAKE THE PHRASE!!!! I hope to never say Dance-tastic again!
*So glad I don’t have to endure the Disney Channel for any reason.*
See? I always find blessings to count after reading your posts– you’re GREAT, Tori!
(PS: RIP. Kind of an embarrassing way to go, don’t you think? Dance-Dance-Tastic OD?)
Haha! I aim to make everyone appreciate their lives for the simple fact that they are not mine
I had a good two-hours of immobility. Since I had all that time to think, I couldn’t help but imagine the various newspapers reporting on my dumb way of going out!
Dead Dog…I like that one!
I can relate to the dangers of playtime. In the last few years, I’ve about cracked my tailbone after I fell while roller skating, almost broken my back showing my older son how
notto do a somersault, and came to the realization that someone my age (and with my lack of coordination) should, under no circumstances, attempt to ride a Razor scooter.A good phrase to know: “How about if I watch you play?” Much safer.
I hope you recover from playtime. This would be an embarrassing way to go.
I’ve been as hands off today as humanly possible. Most of my morning consisted of lying flat on my back, tossing a ball across the room, and telling the baby to go get it.
LOL- thanks for the morning giggle, Tori!
Kids will killl you, if you’re not careful! Mothers need body armour as much as our military in Afghanistan. It’s just that no one is willing to admit it. Cudos to you for taking up the cause!
Kathy
In the wise words of the guy sporting long john’s at Wal Mart “I ain’t too proud!”. I need a good body cast most days, and I admit it
Just spent the weekend with Our Little Princess so I know exactly what you mean. I love having her, but I’m really tired of Yo Gabba Gabba.
Thanks for visiting on my SITS day. Come back any time. You’re always welcome at my place.
Oh. Yo Gabba Gabba makes my head spin!
Pingback: Challenge For The (extra)Ordinary Writer: I’m bringing Humdrum back. « The Ramblings
Pingback: The Wordmanizer & Her Six-Word Life « The Ramblings
Pingback: free falling « The Ramblings
Pingback: Barf: A Lesson On Ingenuity. « the ramblings
Pingback: Of Mice & Frat Boys « the ramblings
Pingback: Jiggy & Getting With It « the ramblings