My Big Fat Bloggy Wedding

    I announced to a work-tired fiance yesterday that you, my funky, fresh, creative readers would be planning our wedding. I was expecting little protest. In a matter of months my dear partner has mastered a smile which attempts to mask worry, fear, and disbelief. It just so happened that every time he asked about wedding plans I was knee-deep in frivolous household tasks.

Mister: So, how is the wedding planning going?  I’m asking because I feel obligated to care! Have you picked colors or food or anything?

Tori Scrubbing Baseboard: Green and maybe bird decor…This bleach makes my face burn!…Like birds because it’s spring and… Seriously, if you breathe in bleach will it corrode your tongue? Oh, I talked to your mother today and she told me to tell you to tell your friend that… Can scrubbing give you Carpal Tunnel?… Anyways, I like yellow and blue and green and that orange color like that car we passed a few days ago. Oh, the Jeep needs an oil change… Let’s serve beer!

The very sane dude was tasked with following my spoken stream of broken consciousness. It flowed in and out of television shows, around the corner, and settled sleep-heavy on the pillow. I would end my skewed vision for our wedding with a last, half-snoozing declaration. “Good night!,” he would say. To which I’d snort my way through a snore and mumble, “Hate pink. More cake”.

     From the jumbles snippets of ideas he heard, he quickly turned from American Man, whose only job was showing up come wedding day to Helper of The Bleach Brain, whose main aim was to stop his bride from orchestrating a circus. He was okay downright thrilled with the news of readers, unified and sound of mind, helping my humble, little mind plan a cohesive gathering.

Classy, no?

Well, clearly he doesn’t know you. Sound of mind? Pfft. And clearly he underestimates my ability to set these plans in motion. With the mere mention of a circus, I planned a  solid theme: Bears in bow ties, popcorn machines, freaks on stilts, my beloved dog trained to soar through heart-shaped, flaming hoops. The cost of renting a bike-riding bear: $3,450, insurance premiums for each guest, and signed Life Waivers. The look on my mother-in-law’s face when she is welcomed to the big tent by fire-breathing belly dancers: PRICELESS.

    Lucky for him,  I love my family enough to save the clowns for a rainy birthday. Luckier for him, I have an eager team of free labor brilliant bloggers ready to guide my “eclectic” mind in the right direction. After many, many minutes of online research it seems we are the first to embrace this Reader-Planned Wedding idea. There are two possibilities for the shortage of brides placing their Big Days in the hands of online readers:

1. This is a horrible, foolish idea.

2. WE ARE INNOVATIVE GENIUSES.

   Number Two it is! You, my darlings, can take pride in knowing that while you will not earn a handsome Event Planner’s fee for your creativity, you take away from this the  title of World’s First Blog Reader Turned Wedding Planner With A Charitable Heart.

Now down to business {Note: Do not be misled by the word business. You will not, in fact, earn cash money for your contributions. Cheap!} : COLORS.

    I learned the importance of color schemes in the 8th grade. Apparently neon green and mustard yellow do not a fashionable ensemble make! I carried this lesson with me to a baby shower a few years ago. The mother-to-be celebrated the upcoming birth of her baby boy with fun festivities. Immediately upon entering the home, I felt panicked and deceived. The entire home was laden with black balloons, black tablecloths, and dark,dark, scary dark black paper plates. I felt foolish for showing up to the event with a bag full of diapers and powder blue rattles. I was obviously standing in the center of a funeral. So the ladies played at trying to guess the baby’s birth weight while I made a mental list of people who possibly could have died.

    I later learned the baby’s father was a rocker type. Hardcore and metal and leather and snaky tattoos type. Their son would be equally badass, even as a fetus, and celebrate an Almost Birthday Party that would make the Prince of Darkness proud. As the guest at a gathering, however, the choice of black failed to set the tone.

   For a Funky Fresh Spring Wedding, we’d like to avoid any and all colors which evoke a sense of anger, sadness, hostility, or despair in guests. Have you seen my mother angry? Your first *task, Bloggy Wedding Planners, is to help a gal find a color palette that doesn’t leave our families wondering who passed on to the afterlife.

icy blue & orangey red

lemon yellow, white & pale yellow

*Your votes will be listed on the Very Bloggy Wedding tab coming soon to my technology-illiterate page!

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