Better than Speling Bea Runnor Up

FAIL

    I am successful in the field of almost winning things. To console myself after countless defeats, I often celebrated Winning in the Almost Winning category, but I knew the truth. I was not meant to rush the stage and give an elaborate acceptance speech. My mother wouldn’t let me sport acrylic nails and glittery bikinis as a kid, so my hopes of waving at peasants and answering “World Peace” to all questions as the reigning Little Miss Perfect were pretty much demolished before I’d so much as learned to twirl a flaming baton. The few occasions in which I was permitted to compete (Gym Class, Spelling Bees, and Beer Pong  Tournaments among other athletic battles) I had a bad, bad way of choking at the last second.  I thought this mile was a warm up, Coach! I can do better than a twenty-six-and-a-half-minute mile!  Check your paper, Miss! The name for a female indian is most assuredly a S-K-W-A-H!  I really can’t blame my epic failure in drinking games on anyone but myself. I couldn’t feel my face or remember my name by the time the crucial final-round commenced.

Today, friends, victory is mine (just for a minute, and then it’s all yours). Yesterday, Kathy from Reinventing The Event Horizon saw the tiny victor in me (which is hard, as it is buried under a lifetime broken dreams and festering losses), and gave me the honorable Memetastic Award. Immediately upon hearing my name typed from the cyber-envelope, twenty-three years of dinky 1st Place Loser ribbons withered to scraps. I am The Winner Skwah! I WIN! You hear me, Kyle-Son-Of-The-Guidance-Counselor-Who-Totally-Rigged-That-Spell-Off? I WIN!

The Memetastic Award is pretty much as dignified as the Pulitzer. It originated in 2011, founded by the saintly Jillsmo, and has been bettering lives of the needy, desolate bloggers ever since. In addition to feeling like a generally superior being, recipients of this prestigious award receive a second-rate digital picture-plaque.

Hardly the year-long reign I would prefer, but the Meme Kitty’s honor is meant to keep moving. So, after a celebratory afternoon nap yesterday, I am prepared to pass the title along, following the Creed Of Memeocity {as she shutters with the knowledge that her glory day is but a distant memory}.

1. Thou shalt display the Meme Kitty emblem in a post. Done. I would like to add that my loving this heinous photo is a testament to the desperate scars of loserdom left by past defeats. I fear cats like I fear a pregnancy scare.

2. Lie to the masses. Pardon? More bizarre than Jillsmo’s Technicolor image is her insistence that all winners list 5 things about themselves, 4 of which are to be bogus. I don’t make up the rules. I also would hate to lose my 24-hour stint as an Ultimate Supreme Number 1 Winner, so let the falsehoods fall!

Put your detective hat on! Which of these is so true Jesus would totally swear on the Bible for it?

- I regularly watch Dr. Phil. It makes me feel better about my life.

- When Dad is away, I encourage Baby to play with my hair accessories. He prances around the house holding a curling iron and wearing a plaid headband. I call him, Susan.

- I actually know how to spell Squaw without looking it up.

- I have three ankles.

- I performed an interpretive dance to Coolio’s ‘Gangsta’s Paradise’ for a packed high school auditorium.

3. Pay it forward…in readers…not fiscal donations. I am to anoint 5 fellow-bloggers with the Memetastic Award. Jillsmo says you can love or hate the bloggers, but since I just threw out my lengthy list of Blogs I Continue To Read Although I Loathe Them, I will keep it nice and share a few of my very favorite sites! Note: Kyle, if you ever think of writing a blog, know that I would read it, consult Mark Zuckerberg to create a DESPISE button, and set my computer to automatically cyber-hate every post. Also? I do not hold a grudge.

4. Post this Post on a Post about Winner Posts. Say what? I think I am to link this post to Jillsmo’s site. Not even a technical failure can ruin my victory lap.

With a bleached smile, a graceful elbow-wave, and a rented Versace gown, I make my way center stage.  All that remains is a newer crop of winners, waiting for the chance to be Mr. or Miss Memetastic…

1. Miracle on 32nd Street: Aunt Bethany started a blog to get herself and the WORLD in the Christmas Spirit. Her first months of blogging followed her RACs or Random Acts of Christmas, but she has now moved on to making the world laugh year-round. Featuring poetry, Stick Figure Movie Reviews, and a sense of humor that will darn near reach through the screen and smack some giggle out of you, her blog is a daily dose of awesome.

2. The Domestic Fringe: FringeGirl is the über mom, chasing kids, painting Cow Portraits (check out her header!), and blogging about it like a veteran champ. {Note: In exchange for prying the sash out of my cold, dead fingers passing on this glorious title, one might hook a sister up with some autographed cow art. }

3. zona pellucida: I read a hilarious post about Dana’s husband nearly contracting rabies. You don’t think Foaming Mouth Disease is funny? You haven’t read her blog yet. Girlfriend can make you cry, pee your pants and not even care to change them with her laugh-out-loud descriptions of everyday life (by everyday life I mean a Canadian adventure-seeker with a famous artist for a husband…this just made me feel dull by default.)

4. Woman Wielding Words : Lisa has the talent of being serious AND seriously funny. She is a theatre teacher, sassy mom, prose-and-poetry-writing master, and all around cool chick! From discussions of “IF” to the debate between Arts versus Athletics, her fluid style packs a serious punch!

5. The Idiot Speaketh: The Idiot (and who doesn’t love a man who can save a girl the trouble and call himself that) is a dad, a husband, and undercover comedian. The lone dude on my list, The Idiot’s daily posts are proof of how much credit his wife should be given for staying sane and married, how to smile when you’re not feeling your best, and how to ride a stationary exercise bike across The United States of America.  Hilarious and always heartfelt, I had to let him in on my Girls Only List because he totally deserves it.

Winners, cherish the Meme Kitty Badge for eternity (or 24 hours until you MUST FOLLOW THE RULES!) I’m off to look at day-old photo albums, snapshots of my brief brush with First Place Glory, and await the arrival of my LIFE WINNER trophy in the mail.

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